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“No. He wasn’t, but who was, My Love? Who was right next to you?”
Hearing the words, the endearment from my mother, is almost too much. I want to retreat from the edge, the place where they all want me to go. It’s been so long since she’s uttered the “My Love” phrase. I didn’t think she even knew how to frame her mouth to speak them. Or maybe I haven’t heard them because I didn’t believe I deserved to hear them any longer.
I take my eyes off my mother and focus on the one woman who has been right here with me this entire time. Hope shifts her gaze from mine, but I can still see her profile. I watch as a tear trickles down her face.
“Jeremy,” I choke out. “Fuck! I should’ve been the one driving. It should’ve been me.”
I collapse into my mother’s awaiting arms.
“No. No, my darling son. No. It shouldn’t have been either of you. You didn’t deserve the double loss. His wife didn’t deserve to lose the love of her life. His children ...” My mother’s voice hitches, and I hear a slight sob. I reach up and pull her into me. “Those babies don’t deserve to live without one of the best men we’ve ever known.”
I hear another pain-filled sob. When I look up, I see Hope frantically wiping away her tears.
“Shit,” she whispers as she uses her sleeve to catch them. “Sorry.”
“No. I'm... so sorry. I didn't think... I've been selfish in refusing to deal with my pain. It was easier to ignore it than to deal with it head on, but I've been hurting you in the process. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.”
“You did what you needed to in order to cope. My coping mechanism has been taking care of his little brother. He wouldn't have had it any other way. As a matter of fact, he would have my head if I left you to fend for yourself.”
We share a laugh but it's a tear-filled one. I then snort because she’s right. We both know it. He’s always been the one to take care of everyone. If he were still here, he’d be pissed to know I don’t have any idea what’s going on with our sister. He’d be disappointed in me for not making sure Macey and Jakob were doing okay.
“I’ve been a really shitty uncle and brother-in-law. Hell, son and friend. This ... guilt has been a weight I’ve been carrying around like it’s my best friend.”
I take in every face in the room. Each of us looks as if we can finally breathe. I didn’t realize I’d had this hold on all our lives by not dealing with the pain.
“You’ve helped them in ways you don’t know. You’re here. Mace thinks you’re amazing for that alone.” She releases a small laugh. “You’re her idol. She brags to her friends about you all the time.”
Some part of me cannot be prouder in this moment. I want to puff my chest out but know my mother would slap my chest if I did.
“Really?” I ask.
My mother’s hand connects with my chest, and I realize I’ve failed at trying to hide my pride. Graham snickers. I glare around my mother at my friend. He gives me a look that says he’s unrepentant as he wipes his eyes, trying to hide his own emotional reaction to all this.
“Oh yeah. You’re Uncle Daire. You had this horrendous thing happen, but it was something she could relate to. So, you’re on a whole other level with her.”
“I can’t imagine how she sees me that way.”
“You’re also the one who is the hardest on yourself. All the guilt you feel came from within. None of us blamed you for anything that happened that day. Jer would kick your ass for carrying this the way you have, Man, and you know it.”
Graham’s words are truth. Jeremy would be pounding on my arm for being such a major pain all this time.
“You’re right. If he were here, he’d tell me I stole his thunder. Here he was. This great hero. All I can seem do is dwell on the loss of his life.”
“That settles it!” We all look up at my mother who is the only one of us standing. “Tomorrow, we get together and have the celebration I should’ve had for my sixty fifth birthday. I’ll even get Jovi on one of those video apps. I got to spend some much-needed time with my sweet girl while I was away. I think we’ve mourned and cried enough. Let’s have some fun. Invite your closest loved ones and I’ll invite mine.”
She then looks directly at me and winks. I turn to look at Hope and Graham who just shrug their shoulders. What is my mother up to?
I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.
