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‘You didn’t need to explain. You don’t now. You still loved your husband. I knew that was always a possibility. And you were carrying his child so your ties to him were strong. It doesn’t matter – it’s all water under the bridge.’
A vision of deep dark water swirling around his ankles, dragging him into the depths, ran through his mind and he batted it away. He’d kept his emotions in check for so long, he couldn’t let them out. They formed a solid core inside him and, without that, he feared he would collapse, like a house of cards.
‘I did love Terry, in my own way, but not like I loved you, Claude.’
‘Then why did you leave me?’
He hadn’t meant to say that, and he shrank back in his seat. He couldn’t let everything out. It would destroy him. He’d been foolish to think he could be in touch with Esther again and remain unscathed.
‘I’ve asked myself the same question so many times over the years.’ Esther sighed. ‘I was afraid, Claude. The feelings I had for you were so fierce, I worried that they would burn out. You must have wondered that too?’
Claude paused and then nodded. ‘You were my undoing, Esther Kenvale, and I had to remake myself after you’d gone.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I would have taken on your child. You knew that.’
She pushed out her chin, the way she used to when trying to be brave. ‘Yes, I knew. But Terry deserved to know his child and he was a good father to our son, who I love very much. He has two children of his own, now.’
‘You’re a grandmother?’ said Claude, in awe.
‘I am, and my grandchildren are the apples of my eye. My life hasn’t been so bad, Claude, and I hope yours has been the same. I hope I didn’t cause too much pain and you never regretted what we did have for a little while.’
Claude closed his eyes briefly. ‘Although I’ve missed you, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.’
It was true, he realised. For all the heartache and pain, their time together had been a bright flash in his grey life – like a comet whose tail spread a blaze of light until it faded away, as though it had never been.
Lettie came back into the room with the old tin tray that used to belong to his mother. On it were two china cups that she must have found at the back of the cupboard and the milk carton. Claude felt ill at ease that she’d seen his kitchen, which wasn’t terribly clean, but that was the least of his concerns right now.
‘I hope you didn’t mind me rooting around your kitchen, Claude, but I thought you might both like a cup of tea. I couldn’t find a milk jug, or any sugar.’
‘Esther doesn’t take sugar,’ said Claude. ‘Or perhaps you do now.’
She shook her head. ‘No, I still don’t take sugar. Just milk. Thank you.’
Lettie poured the milk into the cups and handed them out before walking to the door. ‘You two must have a lot to talk about so I’ll leave you in peace. You’ve got my phone number, Esther, so give me a call when you’re ready for me to put you back in a taxi. I’ll be somewhere around Heaven’s Cove.’
Esther got slowly to her feet as the front door banged shut and walked to the dresser. She’d seen the faded photograph of her as a young woman that had been in this cottage for forty years. If Claude had known she was coming, that picture would have gone back in the drawer. He worried it made him seem like some sad sap who’d spent his life waiting for her.
‘I’ve had a busy and full life since you went, Esther. I’ve worked at sea for years, still do sometimes when they’re short-staffed, and I’ve been content living here with my dogs.’
‘I’m glad.’ Esther reached out and touched the photo, her long, elegant fingers brushing her young face.
‘Tell me more about your life.’
Esther smiled and took her seat again on the sofa, with Buster at her feet. ‘It’s been busy too. Terry and I moved to Yorkshire and had our son, Gavin. As I said, he’s grown up now with his own family. He and his wife live in London, near to my granddaughter, and my grandson lives in Cornwall.’ She gazed out of the window for a moment, at the pillows of white cloud bunching over the sea. ‘Terry died a while ago, of a heart attack.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Esther waved away his concern. ‘Oh, it was very quick. He wouldn’t have wanted to linger. He had no patience for that kind of thing.’
‘And now you’re living in Devon.’
‘I am and it’s good to be back. I live in a flat in sheltered accommodation, with a warden to look after me and keep me in check because I’m so old.’ She laughed. ‘I’m sort of halfway between both grandchildren which seemed a good idea at the time, and I’m fairly near to Terry’s side of the family. But I only have very intermittent visits from all of them. Life is so busy for younger people these days.’ She paused for a moment, lost in thought, before continuing. ‘You never had children yourself, then, Claude?’
He shook his head, surprised by the wave of sorrow that engulfed him. ‘No kids, no wife,’ he said gruffly.
‘I wanted children and so did Terry,’ said Esther quietly. ‘That was one reason I decided to stay with him. You’d said you weren’t keen on having kids.’
