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“Is it serious?”
“There’s noitforitto be serious,” I told her. “I’m not… I’m not ready for anything like that. I’m not ready for anything at all.”
“Are weever?” Alicia asked. “I mean… listen, I’m no expert, at all, right? But I do know that this – you figuring out how to live your life for yourself – is not a mission. There are no briefings, no run-throughs, no drills, no… instructions. You’ll never beready. You’re going to have to dive in and make some mistakes.”
“Mistakes get you killed.”
“Not so much anymore. That’sGardenmentality seeping through,” Alicia warned. “Obviously, I get it – I mean, I have a whole security firm, so it’s not like I don’t understand the presence of danger, but… again, this isn’t a mission. Your neighbors aren’t enemy combatants. You don’t have any targets except… living a good life.”
“That shit issoeasy to say,” I groaned.
“You think I don’t know that?” she countered. “Have you forgotten that I was in your exact same shoes?”
No.
I hadn’t.
It also hadn’t escaped my notice that she was beingverygenerous with the “exact same shoes” thing. The truth was that she’d had it harder, having to assimilate into a whole new role without atleastthe benefit of knowing she wasn’t alone in her… confusion.
There were women – and men – in the same predicament as me, all over the world right now.
Withoutthe benefit of a mentor who actually “got” it.
“You know… maybe we’re going about this the wrong way,” she continued, when I hadn’t answered. “When I first left theGarden, the Whitfields sent me to therapy, which was a double-edged sword. It helped me be able to cope, but… I still had to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I couldn’t open up to anyone, even my therapist, about the things I’d done. I had to fake it.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying… maybe it would be more productive for you to step into a role. The role of who youwantto be. Deep cover.”
“I don’t want to live a lie.”
“I know,” Alicia agreed. “And I don’t want you to either – I want you tolive. But to get there… you might have to fake it until you make it. What youwantis to be a normal young woman, who makes candles and has a crush on a guy. And makes friends, and maybe forms a romantic relationship, and starts a business, and… doesn’t have the urge to kill people. Doesn’t have nightmares about it. Right?”
I blew out a little sigh, then nodded. “Right. I guess all that would be fine.”
“Okay, so… you’ve gotta move on that. You’ve gotta step into the role of a woman whodoesthose things, not one who watches others make them happen. Don’t think about –do it. Be that girl until youarethat girl.”
“That feels like cheating.”
“Who gives a fuck?” Alicia scoffed. “Obviously, you’re going to do whatever you want – I’m just offering my advice. I’m not your handler, Tempest – I’m your friend. It’s been over a year, and yes, you’ve made some strides – I don’t wanna discount that. But if you’re telling me that’s not enough for you, that you want more, that you’re tired of just… existing? You’re going to have to change something.”
“How?” I asked, shaking my head. “I hear what you’re saying, but…how?Every conversation is so awkward, and stunted, and I know the people around here think I’m some weirdo.”
“I doubt it,” Alicia laughed. “I’m sure it feels exaggerated to you, but… you were aRose. Does that have to define you? No, of course not. But you don’t have to act like your past didn’t leave you with a certain skillset – one of them being the ability to improvise, and talk your way through a situation. You can walk into any room and adapt. You can have a conversation withanyone. Don’t be so consumed with becoming someone new that you feel like you have to suppress even the good parts of who you already were.”
“Okay mom.”
Again, she laughed, not bothered by my dry tone because she knew – like I did – that she was probably right.
I’d spent the better part of a year drifting until, through mutual contacts, I heard that Alicia was looking to connect with any “stray”Roseswho needed a place to land. And even after that, I hesitated to reach out, unsure if I could trust her, or anyone.
It took a while for me to come to the realization that… I kinda had nothing to lose.
I didn’t lose though.
Even with all the uncertainty, it felt, to some degree, like I’d won.
I was free, mostly, to do what I wanted.
