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“This is so messy,” Abi said, sounding—he wasn’t even sure how she sounded. “Just, so, so messy. What the fuck was she doing?”
“Josh cheated first is my understanding,” Ilan said, wondering again why he felt like he needed to defend her.
“I think I remember that, something about the assistant clerk of courts?”
“I think right after Micah was born,” Ilan said, even though he wasn’t entirely sure of the timeline. He and Rachel hadn’t really discussed her spouse’s extracurriculars. He hadn’t wanted to know. “I know that’s when he moved into the garage. She felt abandoned, but she was pissed he wouldn’t really leave. So, I think shestarteddating just to make a point or something.”
“I admire her chutzpah,” Abi said wryly. “That’s dedication with an infant in the house.”
Ilan very carefully didn’t comment.
“But hang on, how did that even work? That must have taken so much energy and planning and stuff. You two had a whole relationship but like—why would you even put up with it? I wouldn’t be able to put up with that much secrecy. You must have felt like you were going nuts half the time.”
“I told you it was complicated. And she compartmentalized, right? I never saw the kids, we had rules—”
“You deserved better. She used you,” Abi said. “If you were one of my girlfriends telling me this story, we would be planning revenge in the group chat. This is so fucked up, Ilan.”
“She wasn’t a bitch or anything.”
“Still, what you’re describing doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship,” Abi countered. “I get being discreet, but you were together a long time. That’s alongtime. And nobody really knew. I mean, I want to say I heard a rumor, but I thought it was a rumor for a reason. That must have felt so shitty. You see her out with her kids, and what, do you even make eye contact?”
“Anyway, I broke it off because I’m too old for that shit,” he said because she was getting close to all the things he’d been thinking when he finally ended it.
“Yeah, you fucking are,” Abi said, and he let himself laugh with her.
“I want to be able to take my girl out and show her off.”
“You should be able to do that,” Abi said. “You’re not a dirty secret.”
“Thank you,” he said theatrically because he needed to laugh. If he didn’t laugh, he’d get emotional about it, and he didn’t want to get emotional over this shit. It was done. He was done with it.
“So back to the thing where you think I treat you like a piece of meat—”
“I didn’t say—”
“You did,” she said, “and I get now why you would feel that way.”
“Listen, I’m not telling you Rachel is—”
“You’re not saying anything about Rachel personally, and I can appreciate that,” Abi said, her tone sounding carefully neutral, “but I think you may be being fairer than she deserves.”
“She was completely upfront about the situation, I knew what I was signing up for,” Ilan said, wondering again why he was defending anybody.
“Maybe, but that is still a long time to commit to a situation with someone you care about. If I cared about a person I would want to be able to hold their hand in public. It sounds like you didn’t have that luxury. Am I wrong?”
“Not really, no,” he said.
“And that’s shitty. And I’m disappointed in her. Is that why you broke up? I’m guessing you’re the one who ended things.”
“I did, yeah,” he said, “but I’m not telling you all this to make myself sound—”
“You’re allowed to say it was a toxic situation, Ilan. That doesn’t make you a bad guy,” Abi said quietly.
“I’m not so much worried about being the bad guy,” he said, and he really wasn’t. That wasn’t the point he was trying to make.
“It also doesn’t make you less of a big strong man,” she said, the barest note of teasing in her voice.
“Well, shit, Abigail, just call me out,” he said, laughing at himself for the thickness in his throat.
