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“Dude, you’re killing my vibe,” she said, hands on her hips. “I rehearsed a whole speech with Simon.”
“I, uh, sorry?” Ilan sipped his coffee for something to do, “Did you want to start again?”
“Nah, it’s ruined,” she said, spraying something on the counter and wiping it down.
“Can you give me the highlights? You can’t let an opening like that just dangle with no follow-up,” Ilan said, his brother Ari was like this. If Ari’s point was derailed, he would be miffed for ages. Ilan wasn’t looking to have Abi’s sister hate him forever and not remember why. That was the last thing he needed.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure you deserve it,” Leah said loftily.
“It’s rude to dangle,” Ilan said, and Leah gave him a look, one eyebrow snaking up in a move so similar to her sister he couldn’t help but goad her a little. “Don’t be a dangler.”
“Abi might be my older sister, but she’s only older by five minutesmaybe,but I’m just as protective of her as she is of me,” Leah said, checking her watch. “You hurt her, and I’ll kill you, and no one will find your body. I have a tank full of catfish upstairs and a deep freezer in back and a lot of patience.”
“Oh, okay, wow,” Ilan sat the coffee down on the counter and ripped a piece of the bagel off to consider it. Leah rolled her eyes and put a plate on the counter for him. He sat the bagel on it and ripped the piece he’d pulled off in two. “Do you give every guy she brings home the same speech?”
“Nah, just the ones I think need a reminder they should fear me,” Leah said, righteous fire in her eyes.
“When you were fifteen you staged a campaign to get a teacher fired for unfairly targeting the girls with dress-code violations,” Ilan pointed out. He’d been in college by then, but Ari and Ezra were both in awe of her chutzpah.
“I had help,” she said, a little embarrassed. “And we didn’t get him fired.”
“You took over a school board meeting and staged eighteen consecutive walkouts.”
“Stop it, you’re making me blush,” Leah said, waving her hand as though to wave away a compliment. “And I’m being serious, it wasn’t just me, there was a whole group of us. I was just the spokesperson because I have no shame and parents who are really good sports.”
“That I believe,” Ilan said, laughing.
“Stay with me while I multitask, I have a standing pickup order that I need to have ready in twenty minutes. Also you’re distracting me from my point,” she said, she had one of the bakery displays open and was pulling out an assortment of bagels with a set of tongs.
“That you think I need to be reminded you’re terrifying?”
“Yes,” she said, pointing at him with the closed set of tongs, then snapping them open and closed to make her point, “that.”
“And I’m telling you,” Ilan said, a little nervous because he wasn’t sure what brought all of this about, “I am fully aware I should be terrified. Sleep with one eye open, all that.”
“Good, we understand each other,” Leah said, casting around for the bakery box she’d put on the counter earlier. Ilan reached over the counter and moved the shiny purple box a few inches closer to her. She nodded to show her appreciation and started placing the bagels inside it. “Though just to be perfectly clear, you only need to fear me if you hurt my sister. And I’m talking any kind of hurt too, not the ‘crying her eyes out’ variety. Imply she looks a little puffy? Surprise flat tire. Fail to compliment her on remembering a super-important-detail? You just got signed up for every timeshare in the country. You forget her birthday? I break your face.”
“You’ve thought about this,” Ilan said, choosing to be impressed rather than terrified.
“I’ve had time,” Leah said, she closed the display case and turned her attention back to the box of bagels, shifting them around so that the assortment was more eye-pleasing.
“For the record, I have no intention of hurting your sister,” Ilan said, and that was true.
“Yeah, I figured,” Leah said shrugging, “but everybody gets the same speech. It weeds out the weak.”
“Abi doesn’t strike me as the type to attract weak people,” he mused, sipping his coffee again. Leah made the best coffee for five counties, and he wasn’t sure but he was pretty certain it had something to do with how scary she was.
“You’d be surprised,” Leah said, closing a bakery box with a flourish. She expertly slapped a sticker with the shop’s logo on it over the box to close it shut and slid it onto the top of the display case, then reached under the counter for another box and began the whole process again. After a long moment she looked at Ilan over her shoulder and sighed, “Look, I’m being serious, okay? Just don’t hurt my sister. I’m begging you. She’s dealing with a lot, and she’s positively crap at asking for help, and she’s one of those annoying cows who wouldn’t say there was a problem if there was one until she has a nervous breakdown, and then she’s not actually telling you there’s a problem, the doctor is, you know? So, if you think this whole thing might end in tears, it might be a good idea to either warn me now or just break up with her or something.”
“For what its worth, I don’t usually go into relationships planning to hurt the other person,” Ilan said.
“Good, I’m glad my asshole-meter isn’t broken,” Leah said, she was pulling tubs of cream cheese from another of the bakery display cases and piling them on the counter.
“Do you mind my asking why you’re so protective?”
“Uh, yeah, obviously,” Leah said, making a show of rolling her eyes. “Simon said you’d ask questions. I hate it when he’s right.”
“Whodoesn’task questions when you give them this speech,” Ilan said, this time he couldn’t help but laugh.
