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I wiped my eyes. “I’m not good at emoting.” I laughed. “I mean, I am now! I think I’d just been repressing the guilt and shame so hard that I repressed everything. I had a few revelations yesterday, and I also made some decisions.” I held up my index finger, “One, I will not live under my mother’s shadow any longer. I’m not going to live my life believing her lies.”
Junie clapped her hands together once, hard, and leaned towards me. “Yes!”
I nodded and eyed her as I continued. This was my intro into her ass-kicking.
“I planned my future based on the belief that my mother was at least partially right about me. That false belief led me to want to protect people from depending on me.”
“I know!” she said indignantly, “It’s crazy! You are a wonderful friend, sister, aunt, partner, girlfriend, and you always have been!”
I squeezed her hand. “Thank you, Junie. So are you, I hope you know that?”
She tossed her hair in mock snobbery. “Of course, I do.”
I laughed, then continued. “What I’m choosing to believe, is that I determine how I love. It’s a decision to put someone else’s welfare first. A decision I can make for my baby, and for Barrett.”
“You’ve always made those decisions. You are kind, Willa, and generous. You’re the best friend I could ever imagine. I love you!”
I smirked. “Hold onto that thought.”
“Uh-oh,” she laughed.
“Mm-hmm. You also have a belief that has to go.”
Junie looked surprised. She lay her palm on her chest. “Me?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “You. You believe that every man will let you down, eventually. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you believe that if he lets you down once, he’ll do it again creating a snowball effect of habitual disappointment.”
Where I thought she’d get all pissy, she dropped her chin and sighed. “This is about Lenny.”
I nodded.
“You think I was too hard on him.”
“No,” I replied emphatically, “I don’t. Not about Vanessa. I do think you were too black and white afterwards, and that you should have responded to any one of his dozens of texts and phone calls to try to work it out with him. I think you gave up on him, on you as a couple, too soon, to avoid further disappointment.”
Junie sat back on the couch and blinked back more tears.
“You know, I’m so damned tired, always ready to fight anybody who thinks I’m not worth the effort, who won’t accept me as I am.”
“That wasn’t really Lenny, though, was it?” I asked gently.
She sighed. “No. It wasn’t.” She looked at me and her voice broke. “I was so worried he would expect me to be perfect, really it was me who demanded perfection from him. I miss him.”
“You don’t have to.”
“You don’t think it’s too late? I hurt him.” She hiccoughed.
“You did, and it’s killing you. He hurt you, too. Chances are it’s going to happen again, more than once. Make a decision, Junie, a good one,” I urged.
She nodded, thoughtful, a new sense of determination lighting her gaze. “I’m going to get him back.”
I nodded once, firmly. “That’s my girl!”
“First, though, tell me, what did Barrett say?”
I looked at her sheepishly. “I haven’t told him yet.”
“What? Why not?” She yelled.
