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Mara startled, and Junie laughed. It sounded a bit forced.
Mara corrected herself. “Partner. Do you want Barrett’s partner to listen to this? Do you want to be nursing your baby and have to listen to her insults?”
“No,” I spat, “Of course not.”
“If it’s not good enough for your child, it’s not good enough for you either,” Mara said softly. “Somebody once told me that. They also told me that the only person who’s going to give you permission to move on, is you. Don’t wait for mom. It’ll be a long wait.”
Mara tossed my own wisdom from months ago back to me. Funny how the standards we set for others, we automatically lower for ourselves. I sat down on my couch, Mara and Bex bookended me.
“You’re right, Merry,” I replied. “I’ve noticed I have a tendency to hold onto things, even things that are painful, because I have nothing better.”
“Like, mom?”
I nodded slowly. “Yes, I was still holding onto hope that there could be reconciliation one day.” Pain flashed across Mara’s face. She was always so empathetic. “I’m okay with that, now, Merry.”
“So, what are you hanging onto that’s painful, but you have nothing better?” Bex asked softly.
Of course. Of course, Bex would understand this grief. I looked into her watercolor eyes and saw compassion and the sharp edge of a grief that had been healed but would never leave.
“I want to remember,” I whispered.
“What do you want to remember, sweetheart?” Bex took my hand.
Tears filled my eyes. “I want to remember the baby I lost. I don’t want to pretend it never happened. He deserves to be loved and remembered.”
“So, remember,” Bex replied in her pragmatic way.
I nodded. “The thing is, the only thing I have to remember him by, is my hospital bracelet.”
A rough sound came from Mara’s throat and Bex looked stunned. “Let’s change that,” she whispered. “I don’t think the hospital is what you want to remember?”
I shook my head vehemently and shuddered. “That place is my nightmare.”
“What do you want to remember?”
A tear spilled over. I ignored it. After years I felt like I was getting somewhere, and this was no time to worry over tears. “That he existed. I don’t know if it was a ‘he’, but I can’t call him an ‘it’.”
“That’s fine. He. We’ll refer to him as he. You want to remember that he existed. What else?” Bex gently prodded.
“I want to remember that I wanted him.” My face was wet. I felt each tear as they lay out a new path forward.
Bex nodded, and I continued. Mara had crossed the room and held one of my hands tightly gripped between hers, and Bex held the other.
“I want to remember that what happened wasn’t fair and that I wish things could be different,” I whispered. “I want to somehow honor his existence, give him something he deserves, because I wasn’t able to at the time.”
Mara sniffed. Bex’s lovely eyes filled with water and overflowed. She smiled.
“How do you feel about tattoos?”
“Tattoos? I like Barrett’s.”
Bex laughed, teased, “I bet you do! I was thinking for you. Something small on your wrist to replace the hospital bracelet.”
The thought sunk in and immediately took hold. The idea of keeping that hospital bracelet became suddenly abhorrent. He deserved better than that. Another tear fell. I deserved better than that.
Mara unplugged the answering machine and took it with her when they left.
Chapter 47
