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“She wants to take Olivia when Zale and I go overnight, says I turned you away
from her, that I don’t respect her, take care of her, I keep Olivia from her, I can’t even remember all the crap she spewed. What did she say to you?”
“Well, she had a theme going in any case. Apparently, I’m trying to turn you away from her, got you that ‘damn cat’ so she can’t visit, I’m trying to drive a wedge between her and Olivia, that I’m selfish and self-centered. I think that covers it.”
“Yeah, she said I was selfish, too.”
I snorted. “You do know it’s all bullshit, right Mara?”
“She just twists things so much! She said I took you away by kicking her out so I could babysit you, then when I said that it wasn’t me who wanted to babysit four nights a week, she accused me of resenting you and not wanting to be a family that helps one another.”
“She creates her own reality and changes the narrative to suit herself, Mara!”
This was interesting. I’d never really pushed to explain my mother’s narcissism to Mara, secretly afraid that Mara would choose her over me, and not wanting her to feel she had to make that choice.
“I don’t resent you,” she spoke slowly, evenly. This worried her.
“I know that,” I replied gently, “but it would be okay if you resented our parents for making you babysit so much. That’s on them, not me, and has nothing to do with us. Don’t worry about that, okay?”
“Okay.” She sounded relieved. “It was good for us in the end anyway, made us close, gave us a bond she can’t break.”
It was my turn to release the breath I didn’t know I was holding, surprised at the realization that I still worried about Bea driving a wedge between Mara and me. If I lost Mara, I’d lose Zale and Olivia as well, and then I’d have no family at all.
Mara continued. “I just want her to understand that I’m busy and have my own pressures. I just want her to look after herself, which she is more than capable of doing, and not try to constantly guilt me into doing more for her.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“If she doesn’t what?”
“If she never understands that you are doing nothing wrong? If she doesn’t stop trying to guilt you?”
“I always figured if I could just explain it right, I could make her see, understand, and she’d accept things and give me some space.”
“It’s not going to happen. If it doesn’t suit her purpose, it’s not going to happen.” I spoke with finality. For Mara’s own sake she needed to know what our mother was, and was not, capable of.
“What did you say to her?”
I chortled. “I advised her that I would talk to her if she ever got counseling and to have a nice day.”
“What did she say to that?” Mara sounded awed.
“I don’t know. I hung up.”
“You hung up?”
“Well, yeah.”
“It doesn’t upset you?”
“Sometimes it does. Right now, I’m just upset that she twists you up in knots. I’ve got her figured out, I think, and I’ve mostly made my peace with it.” I paused. “Mara, you have depression, you have Olivia, Zale works a lot, you have homeschooling, Olivia’s therapy, your therapy, your writing, cooking, and keeping house. You have so much going on, some of it really heavy stuff that other people, including Mom, don’t have to find the strength and resources to cope with. You don’t need to deal with the imaginary bullshit that Mom tries to put on you.”
“I feel sorry for her,” she admitted, “also, her anger is terrifying to me.”
“I understand that. Feel sorry for Olivia. Feel sorry for Zale. Feel sorry for me, for Bex, because we get Mara who is stressed and exhausted. Most of all, save your compassion for you, because you’re the one who is being emotionally bitch-slapped.”
She laughed, hard. “Wow don’t hold back, Willa! I love you; do you know that?”
I huffed out my own laugh, Junie was rubbing off on me. “I do, Mara, I really do. Don’t know what I’d do without your love. Just… think about what I said. Give yourself a break and think about breaking free of the crazy cycle Mom pulls you into, for Olivia’s sake at least. It’s not healthy, the way Mom treats you, and you allowing it is not healthy either.”
