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Simple as that, we were back on track, steering in two different directions maybe, but at least we were in the engine room together. I thought about my options endlessly. There was an expiration date on his patience, there had to be, but I wasn’t even sure if he knew when it was.
I couldn’t think about that now. I had to keep my thoughts focused, this time of year especially. I had to get to Mara’s to pick up Olivia. Mara had a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist, and I was keeping Olivia with me for the afternoon.
Barrett
This was going to take time, more than he’d originally bargained for. She imagined herself damaged and incapable of having a long-term relationship. Maybe she was damaged, but he was willing to bet that it was someone or something else that hurt her so badly, not something in her that was lacking.
He was going to build this relationship brick by brick and give her a solid foundation to stand on when she finally decided to step up.
Chapter 9
Shaken
Willa
I focused on Olivia and ignored the calendar. I had one more day in April and nothing was going to take it from me. As soon as May 1st rolled in, I started on a downward spiral that lasted until almost the very end. The past rolled in gleefully with the heaviness of a tropical storm, the weight of it sitting like an anvil on my chest.
I hated May. I hated Mother’s Day. I hated the sun and the warmth and the new life springing up everywhere. I resented the fact that the whole of the earth was oblivious to my pain. I hated that my pain was seemingly oblivious to the passage of time, and it saddened me that I deserved that.
But that was for tomorrow.
Today I had my sweet niece with me, and we were painting. Olivia painted like I did. No planning. She painted in broad strokes and emotion, the colors themselves the subject of her art. I did the same.
At Bex’s wedding, Mara seemed to be doing well and I prayed that this appointment was positive. Mara being off balance fed my anxiety.
Over the years I carefully constructed my world with one goal and one goal only and that was peace and stability. Mara was a huge component of that peace, and with her world shaken, mine was as well.
She called while Olivia and I were elbow deep in paint.
“Hey, Mara. How’d it go?”
“Just finished. I’m on my way, okay?” she answered.
“Tell me how it went first while you can. Olivia’s fine and I already finished what I needed to get done for today.”
“It went okay. He’s concerned about the level of stress I’m under, some of it necessary stress like learning new coping skills, becoming more aware of Mom’s behaviors, homeschooling through Livvy’s moods, Zale working more hours…he lost two experienced staff members yesterday and got three newer people so he’s not terribly happy either.”
“Back to you, Mara, what else did the doctor say?” My heart was galloping like a racehorse. I needed her to focus and give me the information.
I heard her sigh through the phone. “Don’t freak out. He’s concerned I’m going to have a breakdown. Told me to do what I need to do to reduce my stress level over the next little while.”
“Okay. Take the day. I’ll be so happy to have birdy today.” Olivia was fascinated with all things winged and used to pretend to fly everywhere she walked, earning herself the nickname ‘little bird’ from Mara, which I shortened to ‘birdy’. “You can double check with her, too. But take the day, Merry. It’s a start.”
I worked to keep my tone calm and even.
“Thank you. If my little bird is okay then I’ll do that, try to get my work organized, take a nap maybe.”
“Do that. What else can you do?” I was already racking my brains for ways I could assist her, things I could do to help, although the timing wasn’t great.
Mara didn’t know that. For Mara, she thought May was my busy month. A lie I perpetuated because I mainly avoided her and Zale. I could have used one of his hugs, but I didn’t want to burden him. Most especially not this year.
“I’m going to take a break from visiting Mom and take a few days off homeschooling. Not much more I can do.”
“It’s a good start. I can help you.”
I could teach Olivia a couple of times a week. It would be tough to manage on top of my work, but it would be a comfort to have my sweet niece and I could switch some things to the weekend so that I could take Olivia during the week.
“I don’t want to put too much on you, Willa.”
