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She stood and slipped her hand into his and they walked to the bathroom.
He walked in first, took a thorough look into the tub, and wrapping his big mitt around the back of her head he kissed the top of it and said, “All clear. You want me to wait in the hallway?”
“No,” she said, peeking into the tub herself, “I’ll be back in a minute and I’ll explain everything.”
Back in the kitchen, Barrett filled the kettle and placed two mugs, the same two they used before, on the counter. She pulled out the hot chocolate mix and scooped it into the mugs. When they were ready, they carried their hot chocolate to the couch and Willa took a deep breath. She settled on the opposite end from him and turned to face him squarely.
“When I was fifteen, I got pregnant and had an abortion.”
Barrett studied her face for a moment. “That sounds like the condensed version. Give me the uncut version. The version that shadows you, Willa.”
A single tear followed a well-worn track down her cheek.
“You want the shadows. I can give you the shadows,” she spoke slowly affirming to herself the decision she had made. Taking in deep shuddering breaths here and there to steady herself, she recalled the past.
“My parents were not supportive. My dad was sad and disappointed, and my mother was concerned with what people would say. I remember sitting across from them while they smoked, puffing out angry, putrid clouds. I remember them telling me they would raise my child, not me, and I’d have to do whatever they said. It made me so angry. Just another reason to keep me under her thumb. When I told them I wanted to have an abortion, they reacted with moral outrage, but they were secretly relieved. I know this because they sent me out of the room so they could talk about it and when they called me back in not more than fifteen minutes later, they said they’d allow it.”
“Is that what you wanted?”
“No. But the father wouldn’t leave me alone. Kept saying he was going to kill himself. Would describe to me every day the latest ideas he came up with to do the deed.”
“Bastard.”
“I guess so…” she nodded, but she felt no real anger towards him, he rarely factored in her thoughts at all.
“You never told your parents how you really felt?”
“No. I felt responsible for his life, so I felt I had to do whatever I had to do to save it.”
“They never asked if you were sure?”
“Never. I told my dad the truth later. He was sorry. I think.”
“Your mom?”
Willa’s pretty mouth twisted to the side. “I was a lost cause to her long before that.” She looked at him, her eyes swollen and red, but calmer now. “You want the rest?”
“Give it all to me,” he murmured, “I’d take the pain from you, too, if I could.”
She smiled a tiny smile. “So, to have a ‘therapeutic abortion’ I had to go to a mandatory counseling session with the gynecologist. I was so hopeful that he would see through me. I thought, he must counsel lots of girls like me, he’ll ask me the right question, I had already decided I would tell him the truth, and I won’t have to go through with it.”
“What was the right question?” Barrett shifted closer and took her hand, enclosing it in both of his.
Another tear fell. “How do you feel?”
“Fuck me,” he squeezed her hand, “that’s it?”
She nodded.
“Did he ask?”
“No. That’s just it. No one did. He asked why I was there, I told him I needed an abortion, he booked the appointment. Not one person ever asked how I felt. And no one offered comfort, not even one measly hug.”
“Not even your friends?”
“My parents forbade me to tell anyone. They wanted to protect my reputation. Allow me to destroy my soul, sure, but protect my reputation.”
“Did they get you counseling?”
