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He turned at the door and pointed at me.
“I’m not leaving you. I just need some fucking space. I need some fucking air that’s not clogged with,” he waved his arm encompassing all of me, “all of this.”
The front door slammed behind him. I looked down into my lap and forced my hands away from my stomach. I took a deep breath, looking for my peace.
It’s okay, Willa. You’re fine.
I took another deep breath and went back to unpacking the bags on the counter. I placed Barrett’s meat pies in the freezer. I’d give them to Mara if he didn’t come back. My breath hitched and I swallowed it down.
I separated the jams, put mine in the fridge and separated the others for Junie, Minty, Bex, and Mara into bags, setting them aside to be delivered, along with the treats I bought for all the kids. I wouldn’t have been able to buy all of them if Barrett hadn’t been there to carry the heavy bags. A tear tickled my cheek. I wiped it away.
I knotted the extra plastic bags and put them under the sink. I drank my water. I put my glass in the dishwasher. I refilled Barrett’s glass and noted the surface of the water quivering in my trembling hand. I took a sip then placed it on the counter for later. Another tear slid down my cheek. I wiped it away.
I crossed to my purse and hung it up. I kicked off my sandals and retrieved my cardigan from the back of the couch and put it on.
I wandered around my condo, touching my quirky lamps, running my hands over my kintsugi vases and bowls, touching my books, and tracing the embroidery on my pillows. As much as I loved my things, the only thing that I could not live without nestled in a velvet drawstring bag in the bottom of my purse.
When I reached my Bluetooth speaker, I started my new playlist, the one with Barrett’s covers. I briefly considered changing it but at least this one would allow me to feel something. I walked past the phone and noticed the flashing light of the answering machine.
I backtracked and paused my playlist. My finger hovered over the blinking light. If there was ever a time not to listen, a time my sense of self-preservation should kick in, it was now. I pressed play. After a moment of blissful silence when I thought it might be Olivia leaving me a message, my mother’s strident voice invaded my apartment. I stood frozen, waiting for the barrage to end.
“Willa, this is your mother, sorry as I am to admit it. Who the fuck do you think you are? Mara and I were fine until you came along with your fucked up ideas, and your disrespect, and your filthy animals... I can’t imagine what kind of person, what kind of person,” she screamed, “would abandon their own mother in her hour of greatest need! Family is supposed to be there for one another, Willa, but you’re so goddamn selfish you couldn’t begin to know what that means. I have a mind to…”
A muscled arm reached around me and pushed stop on the answering machine. I gasped and screamed as I stumbled backwards with my hands thrown out in front of me to ward off my attacker. I locked onto his face. Barrett. I pulled air into my frozen lungs. It was just Barrett. I spun away from him to pull myself together.
“I called your name when I came in, angel,” he ventured haltingly.
I nodded, my back still turned towards him, struggling to rein it in.
“It’s okay. It’s fine. You just startled me.”
He placed a hand on my shoulder, and I flinched away from him.
“I’m sorry!” I cried, “that wasn’t intentional, I’m just on edge…”
He turned me in his arms and cradled me firmly against his chest. I remained stiff in his embrace. I shifted my feet, trying to align myself with him but my body refused to soften. He soothed his big hands over my back, and I turned my cheek to the side to rest my ear over his heart.
He came back, Willa, he came back.
But for how long?
“I’m all in,” he rumbled, “I’m all in, Willa, whatever you need, I’m all in. I won’t walk out again. I promise.”
My body sagged and he caught me against his chest as a deep, mournful moan escaped my throat. I tried to break free to collect myself, gulping to choke down the sounds that were coming from me, but he curled me into his big chest. Rebecca’s words from many months ago, when she was afraid of what she felt for Rhys, invaded my mind, ‘the answer to fear is love’. I wasn’t sure what to do with those words, but they echoed in my mind just the same. I pulled at his shirt, to get closer or to get away, I couldn’t tell.
“Easy, angel,” he soothed, his big hands stroking along my heaving back. He bent his head to press his lips against my crown. “I’m sorry, my love. It won’t happen again.”
His voice was calm, unpanicked. I imagined this was how he spoke to frightened animals. As his promise penetrated, my body calmed, and my detached mind pondered the truth that while my thoughts spun, my body instinctively trusted this man. I let my head fall back and he cradled it in his palm. His beautiful eyes worried over my face and he bent to kiss the tears I didn’t feel.
I studied his face. His beloved face. I realized in that moment that I loved him. There was no going back, and if things went south, I would need my sister and I would need Bex. Maybe I needed them already to help me not screw this up.
“We’ll tell them this weekend.”
His eyes lit with hope, but he paused, “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I smiled tremulously, “we’ll make it fun. We’ll shock them.”
He smiled big, flashing his teeth, and I wished I could freeze that.
