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I pushed the heels of my hands against my eyes.
Our wedding, if we got married in the church, would be a different ceremony than Amber’s, a different ceremony than Vander’s first marriage. Our wedding would kick off with prayers of repentance for Vander’s divorce, and the church would not recognize our marriage in the same vein as it considered his first marriage.
Slam.
He didn’t put me first. He walked away from me. Twice.
Slam.
Slam.
Slam.
Tears of sorrow, tears of frustration, tears of rage, tears of despair, tears of grief, and I swallowed them all.
I turned on the shower and stepped in. The shock of the icy spray slammed all the doors shut. I forced myself to stand under it until it warmed. Tipping my face up, my tears got lost in the spray.
I would have to love him, too.
I would have to accept her into my life.
Our marriage would not be considered holy in the same way his first was.
My breath left me in soft hiccoughs at that final admission. I arched my neck back, feeling the sting of the spray on my face.
I had to face all that I’d lost, all Jace had lost.
A soft sob escaped my lips.
Wrapping my arms around my waist, I pushed back the knowledge that I brought this pain upon myself through my own decisions.
My dream waited for me on the other side of the bathroom door.
George came with the deal. George’s mother came with the deal. Our wedding of repentance came with the deal.
No matter what I thought I deserved, Jace deserved his father.
No matter how I screwed up, no matter that Vander chose to leave, George deserved to feel at home in his dad’s house.
I took a deep, steadying, breath. I needed to suck it up and put on my big girl panties.
Slam.
Slam.
Slam.
I turned off the water.
Dwelling in the past served no one.
Except her.
Vander
I turned off the television and listened to the muffled sounds of grief that came from the bathroom.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at the floor. I wondered if she would ever conceive of how much I loved her. I wondered if she’d ever be able to forgive me, or herself. I wondered if we could be a family with George in the mix, and I wondered how to make it better, or at least tolerable, for her.
