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Panic mushroomed in my chest. “It’s two o’clock in the morning.”
Yiayia looked at me with impatience and pointed her arthritic finger at Jace. “He know that? No. We give him Tylenol, and you take him to the hospital. He gets the antibiotics faster and feel better sooner.”
I turned my back and paced away, my screaming baby in my arms.
Shitfuckdamn. If Drew were here, I’d have no problem. He’d take us. I’d go with him anywhere, anytime. That thought niggled at my consciousness, but I had no time for it.
It was difficult to form a coherent thought with Jace’s cries in my ears. I had no choice. He needed to see a doctor, but, oh, God!
I rolled my neck back and took as deep a breath as I could with my tightening chest.
You’re ridiculous. This is so stupid! Your son needs medical attention, and you’re going to stand here having a panic attack? Get over it!
Sweat pooled in my armpits and between my breasts.
I could smell myself.
Jace’s cries sounded as if they were coming from farther away. I swiped the back of my wrist over my dewy upper lip, kissed Jace’s downy head, and passed him to Yiayia.
“Here, Yiayia. Hold him while I get dressed.”
In my bathroom, I splashed water on my face, then opened the cabinet above the sink and found my Lorazepam. It was the only medication I could tolerate, and it was only for emergency usage.
My trembling fingers fumbled to open the child safety cap. I shook several pills into my palm and tossed most of them back in. I slammed the two remaining pills resting on my palm into my mouth and sucked water straight from the tap.
I moved in a daze, my head slightly detached, dread pulling at my jelly legs with every step. All my instincts urged me to curl up in a ball on the floor, save the one that reached for Jace.
I peeled off my sweat-soaked pajamas. Grabbing Jace’s wet wipes off the counter, I cleaned my armpits. A fresh one washed away the sweat pooled under and between my breasts. Another for my face and the back of my neck. I went to the bathroom quickly and wet wiped the sweat from my groin.
I smelled like a giant baby, minus the faint traces of urine.
Autopilot finally kicked in. I slathered my armpits with antiperspirant, brushed my teeth, and pulled on yesterday’s clothes.
Yiayia met me in the hallway with a freshly diapered Jace wrapped in his blankie, the packed diaper bag over her shoulder Thank, God, it wasn’t cold outside.
“Thanks, Yiayia,” I stooped to kiss her cheek and relieve her of the weight of my thrashing son. “You gave him the Tylenol?”
“Of course, poulaki mou.” She paused, her sharp eyes scanning my face. “You want me to come with you?”
I froze. Every cell in my body screamed at me in self-preservation. I looked at her. She looked small and frail without her makeup and her flowery blouses. She even removed her jewelry at night. “No, Yiayia. We’ll be okay.”
She patted my cheek, relieved. She didn’t understand my anxiety, and it stressed her out when I didn’t have a handle on it.
I did a lot of faking.
“Good, poulaki mou. I go to Spuds tomorrow morning. You look after the moro and have rest.”
“Thanks, Yiayia,” I said.
Though my psyche shrieked in protest, I shook my head in disbelief that I had considered dragging her to the hospital in the middle of the night. Especially knowing one of us would have to look after Jace and the other would have to go to Spuds in just a few short hours.
As I buckled Jace into his car seat, the calming effects of the Lorazepam infiltrated my hijacked system.
I settled back into my body just as I settled in behind the wheel and closed my eyes. I went over the route to the hospital in my head, painstakingly tracing the familiar roads on my mental road map. I blocked out the sounds of Jace’s screams as best I could.
Every minute you sit here stewing is another minute he’s in pain. Move it!
Stop that. That’s not helping. Deep breath, Ruby. Count it out. Four in, hold for five, seven out. That’s it. Again. One, two, three, four, hold…
