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Chapter 20 – Nameless, Faceless, Forgotten
Ruby
I ground my teeth together as we walked back to the car. I tried to pull my hand away from him, but he held firm. Rage, grief, fear, despair, distress, rejection, heartbreak, all the feelings I locked in that tiny box, and pushed deep into the pit of my stomach so many years before, broke out, and the force of them physically rocked me.
Emotions vibrated through me as he unlocked the passenger side door. I slid inside without looking at him. He reached out and ran his hand over my curls, and I shuddered at his touch, wondering how many others his hands had touched since they’d last touched me.
My hands trembled violently. I fumbled with my seatbelt, securing it just as he opened his door. I clenched my hands into fists to steady them, pushed my heels into the floor, and pressed my back against the seatback to ground myself.
You’re okay Ruby. You’ll be home soon.
When he slid into the driver’s seat, I swiveled my head to look out the window, in part because I didn’t want to look at him, in part because I did not want to break down in front of him.
He reached for my hand, but I yanked my arm away from him.
“Just take me home,” I gritted out.
I heard him sigh as he started the car.
Vander navigated in and out of the narrow streets until we reached the highway, and the hum of the engine filled the space between us.
I watched the world spin by, the lights of the oncoming cars blurring as my eyes filled over and over. Every ounce of pain he ever caused me leached out of the box, and I feared I would never get the lid back on.
I relived watching him leave me at the train station, and my heart broke for the girl sitting and screaming in her car afterwards, too distraught to drive.
Tears ran unheeded down my cheeks.
I retasted the bile that rose in my throat when I saw the evidence of his moving on with other girls before I slammed the monitor off.
I struggled to take a deep breath, but my lungs were frozen.
I stood in the cold watching him walk away from me yet again without looking back, without a text or a phone call, shredding my already broken heart.
A sob broke from my throat. I wheezed in a breath and tried to fill my lungs. I tipped my chin up and dug the heels of my hands into the seat as I choked back the distressed noises coming from my throat.
I heard his pained whisper of my name in real time.
Again, I sat in Spuds and let go of Drew, and all we shared, the love and family we might have made, if I’d been able to let Vander go.
My face flamed with the shame of what I denied my son.
For someone who walked away without looking back.
For someone who showed up out of the deep blue expecting to pick up where we left off, no matter the agony he inflicted on me.
I clenched my hands into fists on my lap and stared straight ahead. I needed to end this.
“You. Left. Me.” I bit out, my voice thick with saliva and tears.
“Ruby…”
“No!” I spoke harshly, slashing my hand through the space between us. “You don’t get to talk. You went on with your life. You finished school, hooked up with other women, got married, and had a child. Only when I happened to stumble into your space at the conference, did I even register for you.”
“That’s not true, Ruby,” he stated firmly.
I glanced at him incredulously, then turned back to the darkness outside. “You looked me up after your divorce?” I asked bitterly. “You thought, ‘Hey! I wonder whatever happened to that girl I promised to love forever?’ That never crossed your mind?” I shook my head. “Bet I was an easy lay, a trip down memory fucking lane-”
“Ruby! It wasn’t like that-”
