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Ruby texted Amber from the car, and she met us at the food court of the mall, joining us at our table.
“I’m here to ensure this one,” Amber indicated Junie who she’d met several times over the years, “doesn’t have you dressing like a rockstar, and this one,” she indicated Ruby, “doesn’t have you dressing like a teenage boy. Willa’s going to keep us all in line.”
“I have a list,” Willa assured her.
“When did you have time to make a list?” I asked.
“When Junie called me last week to tell me you needed a wardrobe overhaul.”
I turned to Junie who shrugged. “It’s true. You’re dating a man who looks like Lucky and plays lead guitar in a band. You can’t go see him play looking like a wealthy PTA Mom. Okay,” she allowed. “A wealthy PTA MILF.” She assessed Amber. “You could use a bit of a sex injection yourself.”
Amber laughed. “I get plenty of sex, thank you very much!”
“In your wardrobe,” I clarified.
Willa looked her over as she fussed over Rena, setting the shade of the car seat low so strangers wouldn’t stick their fingers in to touch her cheek. She was such a pretty baby I could see how they would struggle to resist, but ew.
Amber smiled like a fat cat. “I could use some new lingerie.”
“How about some shoes?” Junie quipped. “Some fuck-me heels?”
We all knew about Amber’s penchant for flip-flops and slippers.
“You find me a pair of sexy heels to wear with lingerie to bed, and I’ll buy them,” she promised.
Junie nodded with a smile. “Challenge accepted.”
Following Willa’s list, we passed by all my usual stores, and I thought about how accurately Junie had summarized my look. I didn’t used to dress like that. At some point, clothes became my armor rather than a spotlight to highlight my best features. I hid behind my beautiful, but modest, clothing. The clothes were on display, they did not display me. Or even reflect me.
By nature, I was not a modest, conservative kind of girl.
Somewhere along the way, I decided hiding my sex appeal was safer.
I thought back. I think it was when Angus came on the scene. The images OCD threw at me about that man, especially in the beginning, made me want to curl into a ball and put a bag over my head. I worried incessantly that he could read my thoughts by looking at me. That Amber would know. After a while they eased off. To say that was a relief was a massive understatement.
I considered for a moment and realized I still got them but could dismiss them easily. I loved him. I felt no guilt about that. Gus’s heart was made of gold. His heart made me safer than any amount of clothing I could put on. If I allowed OCD to scare me away from him, I’d lose Amber and I could not entertain that.
Eventually, I became desensitized to those pictures.
Eventually, I trusted that they were fear based, not lust based. I’d never act on them. I didn’t want to act on them. Those images were unwanted and caused me all kinds of distress. Sexual OCD was like having your brain sexually assaulted. But. There was the added assurance that Gus would never see me like that which enabled me to relax around him. He was one of only a handful of people I’d allowed close to me.
So, it wasn’t Angus, but somewhere along the way, I decided I was a threat. Maybe even a contaminant? That I needed to find a way to make sure I didn’t lose control and one way to do that was to camouflage myself, fade into the background.
Maybe it was when the boys started sleeping over.
Yes. That bit of truth clicked. It was the boys. How could I feel so relaxed around Gus but not around the boys?
They were vulnerable.
If I lost control and did something inadvertently, they’d be hurt. I knew I’d never hurt them, but, oh, God!What if?
“What are you thinking so hard about?” Junie elbowed me lightly.
I looked up to find everyone’s eyes on me. I smiled. “Fuck-me heels.”
Chapter Thirty – Saddle Up
Minty
