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“Can I have a kiss, first?”
She held up her hands, and Lucky lifted her up into his arms. Her little fingers pressed into the back of his neck, their tips turning white from the pressure.
Releasing him abruptly, she lunged into my arms, treating my neck to her baby finger acupuncture. “Mine Sparky,” she whispered.
I lay my hand over her back. “Yes, darling. And you’re my Dolly.”
Is she safe with you?
I smiled the thought away. If I was going to move in, I needed to get my head straight.
You’re breaking a rule.
I focused on the feel of her baby body curled against me, soft, warm, and sleepy.
Her fingernail scratched lightly at my necklace, moving slower and slower, until her arm slipped down my chest and she lay against me, deadweight.
Supporting her head and back, I bent to slip her down onto her mattress, then pulled her blanket up to her chest. I didn’t think it should go higher than that in case it covered her nose. Too many stuffed toys in her crib. Those had to go. I’d read somewhere that stuffed toys in a baby’s bed were a hazard. Was she past that stage? I left her penguin and her bear but decided to remove the rest. That looked better. Were two-year-olds allowed pillows? Lucky wouldn’t have it in there if it was dangerous. I needed to do some research for keeping toddlers safe.
Brayleigh’s legs kicking, her body shuddering, my hands pressing the pillow over her face. Her body shuddering as she struggles to breathe.
“Oh!” I stepped back. That was a bad one. Holding my throat, I edged over to check to make sure the pillow was in place and not covering her face.
I could feel her body twitching beneath my palms.
I linked my fingers loosely in front of me, smiled the thought away.
It’s just a thought. I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are like passing birds, and I am the sky.
I reached out my hand and caressed her cheek, the nagging feeling that I’d missed some crucial step or check weighing on me.
“Goodnight, Dolly,” I whispered.
I closed her door over and stepped away quietly.
Did you make sure the blanket isn’t over her face? Did you put the pillow over her face?
No.
Maybe you did but changed your mind.
I could feel the sensation under my palms, as if I’d done it.
Maybe you didn’t put it back properly.
I looked back at her door. Perhaps putting her to bed on the first night was rushing things. Maybe if Lucky stayed with me while I put her to bed at first, or waited in the hallway, or even checked on her afterwards, until I desensitized myself. Baby steps brought giant gains, I reminded myself.
I’d have to tell him about the thoughts.
It occurred to me that I needed to tell him anyway. He should know how I am so he can make an informed decision.
I followed the noise of clattering dishes to the kitchen and found Lucky making me tea and setting out several boxes of cookies.
When he heard me come in, he waved his arms to present the boxes.
“What are you doing?” I could hear the smile in my voice.
“I noticed you drink chamomile tea, and sometimes peppermint, so I bought both.” He turned to the cookie boxes. “There are several types of chocolate cookies here, but I threw in a shortbread and a jam-filled just in case you like a little variety.”
