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Her eyes flew wide, brimming with tears, and her trembling mouth pulled down into a deep frown. “I would never hurt your boys,” she promised even as her eyes begged for reassurance.
I passed my hand gently over her head, shielding her from her knuckles. “I know that. Gus knows that. Ruby and Vander know that. Jace and Alex and George sure as fuck know that. And Lucky knows that. You need to know that, trust in that. Trust in you.”
“Like we do,” Gus whispered.
She looked at Gus over her shoulder and her face crumpled. “I’m so ashamed,” she admitted brokenly.
“There’s no shame in this,” he whispered back.
Her head dropped.
Her tears flowed.
Without meeting my eyes, she raised her arms to me like a child and allowed me to wrap myself around her, while Gus hovered over us both.
One minute bled into two into five into an hour before she spoke. “I’m sorry I worried you all.”
“That’s okay, Minty. Do you want to share what happened?” I asked softly.
“Lucky had to go to the hospital for stitches, and I had Brayleigh all night. I had to change her diaper, give her a bath, and the pictures were relentless.” She paused. “I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today. I don’t believe I’d do anything bad. I know I wouldn’t. But the pictures and the constant doubt kills me. And I can’t stop the pictures and videos. Those I can’t stand.”
“You fight them.”
“I…I do. And that’s where I’m going wrong.”
“I don’t know how you cope,” Gus murmured. He lay on his back behind her, careful not to encroach on her too closely. “I thought about it. Thought about having the type of thoughts you do. At first, I figured it wasn’t much different from the brief thoughts any of us might have in passing and dismiss just as easily. I looked into it more and I need to know. In your mind, are Van and I a thing? Am I top or bottom? I need you to not make us a thing.”
Her laugh erupted with a surprised bark. “Well, I am now,” she said dryly.
“I think,” he began quietly. “I might be wrong, but humor may be an excellent antidote.”
She pressed her lips together and looked at him over her shoulder. “And when it’s a child? When it’s A-A-Alex or Jace or George? How is that funny?”
His face grew serious. “It’s not. It’s horrendous, but it’s also a testament.”
“How?” she asked, completely exasperated.
“See,” he pulled up an article on his cell phone, “it says right here that the intrusive thoughts often reflect the things that would be most abhorrent to the sufferer, especially when including those they love or care for.” He shrugged. “The fact that your thoughts revolve around these scenarios with our kids only shows the depth of your love for them.” He waved his hand in a circular motion. “In whatever weird, fucked-up way your brain has flipped it on you.”
She stared at him for a moment, then burst into a semi-hysterical laugh. “That’s how you see it?”
“No.” He shook his head. “That’s how I see you. And it’s through that lens that I understand your OCD.”
“Thank you, Angus. I needed to hear that. I can’t live like this,” she admitted.
“So, don’t,” I murmured. “You’ve been fighting when fighting doesn’t work, but you know what does work,” I murmured. “Do you want me to call Ezinne?”
“No. I’ll go see her tomorrow. I’ll sort it out tomorrow. Has anybody heard from Lucky?”
Gus chuckled. “We’ve all heard from Lucky. Repeatedly.”
Her tension evaporated. “I love him, you know.”
“He loves you, too,” Gus assured her. “Go back to sleep. You’re going to need it. Parenting a toddler is no easy feat.”
Minty
I woke to the soft sounds of an acoustic guitar playing Lucky’s and my song. “Lucky,” I whispered.
