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“He asked me to marry him.”
Andrew shot to his feet. “What?”
Lauren’s eyes widened a little, but she grabbed his hand and pulled him back down. “Things are pretty serious then.”
Jeni rubbed at her sternum. “That’s where he and I disagree. He wants serious, and I don’t. He’s asking for commitment and marriage. I can’t give him that.”
Andrew’s expression softened. “Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t.”
“It’s not a matter of ability, Jeni.” Andrew glanced at Lauren and wove their fingers together. “It’s a choice. If you turned him down, it’s not because you can’t. It’s because you won’t.”
Jeni glared at him. “You’re right. I won’t. I won’t agree to something I know he’ll regret.”
“What makes you so sure he’d regret it? I know what you’re afraid of. I know what you went through and that you partially blame yourself, which is ridiculous. I also knew Jackson, and I know Logan. And they couldn’t be more different. It’s not fair to assume the outcome will be the same. Does Logan…know?”
She knew what he was asking. “He does now.”
“And he still wants to be with you?”
Jeni blinked back tears and shook her head. He wouldn’t want to be once he had time to think it through. She stood. “I’m not having this conversation again. It’s no one’s decision but mine. It’s not yours, and it’s not Logan’s.”
“I’m not trying to make the decision for you,” Andrew said. “I just know you, and you push away when you’re upset about something. You get stuck inside your head and isolate yourself. Sometimes it helps to talk things through. Get a different perspective.”
He was probably right. But the pull to be alone was strong, and she didn’t have the energy to fight it. “Maybe it would. But it’s not happening. Not right now. I just want to go home.”
Andrew’s disapproving expression made her feel like a small child. She was running away, but sometimes that was for the best. There was nothing wrong with being alone. The first few months in Kansas City were a time of healing for her. Living on her own, being independent. Spending time in the quiet without anyone to answer to.
There was also nothing wrong with wanting to keep the man she loved from making a huge mistake. Even if part of her desperately wanted him to.
She slung her purse over her shoulder. “I’m sorry to ruin your night.” She walked to where Andrew and Lauren sat and pressed a kiss to Andrew’s head. “I’m so happy you’re done and that you kicked cancer’s ass.” She looked at Lauren. “And that we’re going to be sisters soon. I’m not sure you feel the same, since I’m obviously messed up. But I’m excited, all the same.”
“So am I,” Lauren said. “Will you call me? If you want to talk?”
Jeni gave a sort of noncommittal half-nod, and Andrew snorted. Jeni slugged him in the shoulder.
He didn’t react. “We’ll track you down, you know.”
“I know,” she said and left.
Her brother was one thing she could count on. No matter what happened, they’d always be there for each other.
She wished she could apply the same mindset to her relationship with Logan, but it seemed different. Family was like a pre-arranged support system. They were annoying and sometimes overbearing, but they loved unconditionally. She could tell them how she really felt, even yell and offend them, and they’d still love her. She never worried about losing them or that her decisions would sever any ties. They might disagree at times, but they’d always welcome her back home with open arms. They’d drop anything to help her if she asked. Even her dad, who’d stayed behind at the farm for most of Andrew’s treatment. He showed support from afar but if it came down to it would find a way to be with her or any one of her siblings.
Why didn’t it feel the same when it came to marriage? Was it because when she was with Jackson he put his own needs above hers? His love hadn’t been unconditional. She wasn’t sure he ever loved her at all. Her inability to have children was a shortcoming he couldn’t get past, as was her desire to live outside the small-town farm community they grew up in.
Whatever the reason, she couldn’t shake the fear that if she agreed to commit to Logan, at some point the outcome would be the same. Their lives would change, and their relationship wouldn’t make it through.
As she drove home, she wondered how things would be different if somehow she could change her past. If she could have children and she hadn’t had such a bad experience with Jackson, would her answer be different?
She swallowed the lump in her throat, and several traitorous tears slid down her cheeks.
“Yes,” she whispered to herself.
If things were different, she’d marry Logan in a heartbeat.
* * *
