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It doesn't matter what I say. I can fight and deny it all day, they won't stop thinking that I came here for Malik.
Going home over a year ago was painful. It should've been easy, folding back into my life with my friends, in the only town I've ever known. But it wasn't. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I didn't feel like me anymore.
I didn't want to do the same things I used to do. I didn't want to go to parties or hook up with guys. Sacha and Leena thought I was a different person, bitching and fighting against me every step of the way. They thought it was culture shock and that I just needed to go full force back into my old way of living.
It didn't work.
Nothing worked.
It didn't matter how many parties they dragged me to, or whatever they tried to get me to do. I changed.
He changed me.
I knew the moment school started talking about colleges that Moorehead was no longer on my radar.
I no longer loved the brightness of the world. I no longer loved the smell of cornfields. I no longer wanted to experience the life of a college party girl.
I wanted the darkness.
I wanted the tall green trees and the smell of the blue Superior flowing through my senses and every house in Castle Pointe.
In only a short time, Castle Pointe became home.
I knew this, even though I pretended it wasn't true.
Everyone around me knew it. Even my mom.
She struggled, for quite a while. She went through a whirlwind depression that swept through me as well. It was hard for her to get up and work. It was hard for her to provide for us. It ended in me getting a job, so that I could help with adult things that I wasn't even slightly versed on.
Paying bills? Getting groceries?
I didn't know a fucking thing about it.
But I learned, and slowly, I was able to pull my mom out of the pit she was living in. Once she was able to scrape herself off her bed and get herself back to work, she realized how different I was.
How much I have changed after Castle Pointe.
She asked me if I loved him. She asked me if I wanted to go back.
No,I said.No,I consistently said.
Every. Single. Day.
It worked, eventually.
Then she just disappeared.
Off to work my mom went, once again. Becoming less and less of a mother as time went on. I barely see her now. She lives to work. She doesn't work to live. I don't know if she even cares about me at this point. She stays in hotels more than she sees her own bed.
She talks to her co-workers significantly more than she talks to me.
Does she even know I'm in Duluth? Probably not.
I didn't even bother to call and let her know. I left a note on the kitchen island. If she sees it, she'll know. She probably won't call. She'll just repack her suitcase and be on her way out the door again.
I don't blame her, not completely. The woman found love twice in her life, and both times they died. I think she's just emotionally disconnected to her heart at this point. I'll let her do what she wants. I've been a shit kid, rude as hell and fighting her at every turn. She doesn't know I'm different. She doesn't know I'm a fucking grown-up now.
