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He frowns at this, blinking at me as if my face will show their cause of death. Before he even has the chance to ask, I tell him.
"My friend, Shauna, she died in Arizona. We were hiking in the desert, and it was hot. We were out of water and we were all dehydrated." I don't tell him about the white horse, still not sure whether that was a figment of our imagination or if it was real. Either way, I take it as a moment where Roman was subconsciously there to help me. "She died, out in that desert. It was so hot, a-and we had to leave her there." I pull the sheet up to my eyes, wiping away my tears.
I can feel him next to me, wanting to comfort me, but also wanting to give me the space he thinks I need. I don't know what I need, but just having him close gives me a comfort I've been looking for since I left Wisconsin.
"My other friend, Neil, he killed himself." My words are muffled from the sheet over my face, my tears so heavy I can barely get the words out. Roman reaches out, tugging the sheet down so I can speak. "We traveled from San Diego to Santa Cruz with this couple. We went to this weird place in the middle of the woods. They were all on acid."
"Did you try it?" I don't look at his face, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes.
I nod, wincing as I feel a little guilty. "They're called Deadheads—"
"Deadheads? You went to party with fucking Deadheads? What the fuck, Luna?" His voice raises, and I shrivel into the mattress.
"I didn't know…" My eyes crack open, and I can see the shock and discomfort on his face. "What? Do you know them or something?"
He shakes his head, his eyes wide. "I knowofthem. They aren't all bad people, but some of them…" he grimaces. "What happened to your friend?"
"He got puddled…" I lick my lips, watching his jaw grind. He's never angry. I don’t like the irritation radiating from him. He isn't going to like my story. "He pushed me out of the way. I was the one the Deadhead was trying to puddle."
He sits back, anger firing up in his eyes. "Fucking hell, Luna." He runs his hands up and down his face, his skin turning red from the friction. "You could've died. I never would've known." The last part of his sentence is said quietly, almost to himself.
My hand reaches out, my fingers curling around his wrist. "I'm right here."
He looks up at me, the rims of his eyes red, raw. "Keep going."
I shrug. "I left California after that. Trish stayed with Neil. She gave me money, told me to get away from Willie and go home."
"Who's Willie?"
He says the name like it’s sour milk, his mouth twisted up in distaste.
My lips press together, not liking the look on his face.
"You're going to tell me anyway. Just keep going." His words come out so sure, with such certainty, all I can do is listen.
I take a deep breath, averting my eyes to his sheets. "Willie was a guy I was casually seeing, but I broke it off before we left for Santa Cruz." I keep out the part of him raping me in the woods. "Trish could tell there was something off about him, so she gave me her money, and I left."
"You were coming home?"
I gnaw on my lip, feeling the skin shred away. "I was."
"What happened?" He frowns.
I look up at him with this, gauging his expression. "I saw a magazine of you. Of your girlfriend talking about your stint to treatment."
He scowls at this, dropping his head between his shoulders and letting out a curse. "You fucking believed the stupid media?"
I shrug, feeling so broken-hearted over the entire thing. "I didn't know what to believe. I just knew once I read that, I couldn't come home. So, I left, off to Hawaii."
His head dips so he can look me straight in the eyes. "She wasn't my girlfriend. She never was. I'm guessing it was something like your friend, Willie."
He says his name like poison, and I stare at him. "I wanted to love someone else, Roman. I tried so damn hard to let him in. I wanted to fall in love, to see the truth."
"And what's the truth?"
"My heart is just as much mine as it is yours. There's this… barrier inside of me. It's like whatever let you in put up this invisible barrier miles high. I couldn't love someone else for the life of me. It doesn't matter who they were or what they said. My heart only beats for one person. My soul only aches for one person, and that's you." The words bleed out of me, spilling all over his clean sheets.
He swallows them up. His chest expands, and I watch a light brighten his eyes.
