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It hasn’t been an easy road to get here, but here I fucking am. First, I had to come down from the drugs. That was terrible. Living off coke for years, you don't really realize how bad your addiction is. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. I took it like coffee, because it kept me going when my life was always on the move. When I was broken and empty inside. Everyone on the road did it, and no one seemed like they were fucked up. We all seemed normal, just hopped up.
But coming down, I realized just how deep my addiction ran. I lost weight; I lost my color. My eyes lost their life. Coming back from that was hard, and treatment was something that I wanted to give up on multiple times. Say fuck it and walk out. But they wouldn't let me. Not the therapists, not my parents, not my friends.
They say this place is voluntary, but it wasn't. At least for me.
By far the hardest part was after I came down from the drugs. That's when I met my therapist, Mr. Hyde. He wanted to dive right into me. But not just into my thoughts, he wanted to delve deep into my soul. He wanted to figure out what made me tick. He wanted to know about each and every detail of my life.
My life isn't my life without Luna. I just didn't want to talk abouther.
At that point, I hated Luna more than I hated myself. I was so angry at her for tearing apart the best part of me, of herself, of us. She threw us away without a second thought, and that made me so damn angry.
I didn’t want to talk about her, I didn’t even want to think about her. I was sober for the first time in years and my mind ran a thousand miles a minute. My soul hurt for the first time in I don’t know how long, the ache so deep I felt it in my toes. I’ve been numb, and now I could feel every inch of pain I’ve been in, and my fucking God that shit hurt like a bitch.
But Mr. Hyde got it out of me, and it hurt worse than chopping my body into pieces. Figuratively, he made me bleed all over his ugly sofa. He learned about Luna, so much so that he grew fond of her. Of her ability to dance, of her love for me.
He ended up loving Luna nearly as much as I do. He told me he wants to meet her someday. I don't know how that would ever happen, and I even told him that. All he did was look at me and say, "I know true love when I see it. You'll meet again someday."
I fucking hope so, but every day that goes by is another day I don't get to be with her. It's another day wasted away. I think about her, it's something I can't stop doing no matter how hard I try. She's engrained in me, a part of me. There's no denying that. I don't evenwantto change it.
Mr. Hyde just wanted to find a way for me to learn how to live separately from her.
Isn't that what I've been doing for over four years now?
Living without her. Living my own life and letting her live hers.
He tells me no; I've done the exact opposite. Every song, every lyric, every fucking second of my life was spent drowning in her. I needed to learn how to live in the good, not in the bad.
He told me if I never learned how to be whole without her, I’d never be able to be wholewithher.
I've been living in pieces for along time.
Maybe longer than I know. All I’ve ever known was living on the road. Contact being fleeting. It's how I grew up with my dad being on tour most of the time. Luna was my rock when everything else was uncertain. She grounded me, she stuck by me, she loved every fucking piece of me. And I left her the first chance I got.
Mr. Hyde made me realize that what I did to Luna probably affected her more than I thought. Not that I shouldn't have went on tour, I just handled it shitty. I wish I could go back. I wish I could take it all back. Maybe we'd still be together now if I would've done things differently. I'll never know.
All I do know, is that I'm hoping one day our lives will realign again. I'm hoping that what we used to have is lying dormant somewhere, and our flame will be reignited one day.
Toward the end of my stay at the treatment center, Mr. Hyde asked me the biggest question.
What now?
It played on in my mind for weeks. I could've tried to salvage our band, but after six months of treatment, the guys decided it was just best to retire our name. With that out of the picture, I didn't really have anything else to do in life.
What could I do?
I have no college degree, no desire to attend a university, live in a dorm, or try a damn community college by any means.
I could find a job, work in a low-paying business that will bleed me dry.
But I had no desire for any of that. I didn't want to go into something that could possibly sink me back into the black hole I've been living in.
The day when Mr. Hyde came in with a stack of pamphlets and informational packets was a turning point for me. I was about to be released, and the fear of taking any steps backward was terrifying. The thought of living a normal life was terrifying.
The thought of living a life without Luna has been terrifying. Every day. For who knows how long.
I want her back, but if fate is as true as I think it is, we will be together again.
I spent hours, days, going through those pamphlets. My mind landed on one. It was something I’ve never thought about before, but it's something where I could make a difference in life. Something that would keep me busy and out of trouble.
