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I look at Jackson, and he closes his eyes on an exhale. This has got to be one of the most uncomfortable things he’s ever done. He looks ready to bolt.
“Okay.” I grab the little container from her hand and follow her out the door. I follow the instructions, wiping with the sanitary wipes and peeing into the cup. I put it behind the little metal door and wash my hands quickly.
As I’m walking to the door, I stop in confusion on why I’m going so fast through the motions. Realization hits me that I’m worried Jackson will have left.
I don’t want him to leave.
I need him here. And it’s with that thought that I leave the bathroom and hurry across the hall. Flinging the door opened, my heart overflows with relief when I see Jackson still sitting there, tense look on his face and his body coiled tight with tension.
“You’re still here.”
He lifts his eyebrows. “Where else would I be?”
I wipe my hands on my shorts, feeling all kind of out of sorts. “I don’t know. You don’t look very happy to be here.”
I sit back down in the chair next to him and look down at my black converse.
I’m glad he’s here, and I don’t really know how to take that. He might not want to be here, but he’s sticking it out. For what, so I’m not alone? So he can make sure I don’t do anything stupid? It doesn’t matter, because I’m selfish and I will take him anyway I can get him.
A knock comes on the door, then it opens and a middle aged woman pokes her head around the corner with a friendly smile. “Cara? My name is Dr. Bragburn. Nice to meet you. She walks in pulls some mobile machine with her. She smiles at Jackson. “Hi, Dr. Bragburn.”
She reaches out and grabs with her small hand with his large one. “Jackson.”
“Nice to meet you.” Dr. Bragburn walks to the desk and logs in. Clicking and clacking on the keyboard as she checks out my chart.
Jackson presses down on my knee with his hand, stopping my uncontrollable shaking. I give him a soft smile, and he rewards me with a squeeze. The tension around his eyes settle, and for a moment, it’s just us. In his dark room with the only sound being our breath and sighs. We speak without actually speaking. The cocoon we made for ourselves is indestructible.
“So, Cara,” Dr. Bragburn snaps us out of our trance. “Eighteen years old. You think you’re about four months pregnant? How are you feeling?”
I bob my head from side to side. “Eh, okay. I’m really tired and was nauseous for a bit, but it’s getting a little better.”
She nods at me with a nice smile on her face. Her brown-gray hair is pulled back in a wiry bun at the base of her head, and her white doctors coat has little buttons pinned to the front pocket. One little one has a smiley face on it, and the other has a bright red button that says#1 Mom!I can’t help the tang of bitterness that floods my tongue. If only I could have had a mom like Dr. Bragburn. Instead, I’m stuck with a mom that thinks I’m a whore. Then there’s Jackson’s mom, who’s a drugged-out coke head. This kid will have wonderful grandparents.
Exactly why I’m choosing adoption.
“According to your last menstrual period, I would have to agree with your assumption that you’re about four months pregnant. But let’s take a look just to be sure, okay?”
I nod my head, anxiety once again filling me. If the baby is bigger than four months along, the baby is Logan’s. If the baby is smaller than that, it’s Jackson’s. Right?
“Why don’t you hop up on the table and we’ll get started.”
I walk over to the table and hop up. Laying back, I swing my eyes to Jackson’s when my belly points up. It protrudes from this position, and warmth fills my cheeks when I see Jackson’s eye zeroed in on it.
“If you can lift your shirt for me, I’m just going to squirt a little of this gel on your stomach.” She wheels over on her chair with the machine, which I now realize is an ultrasound. I lift my shirt, squeezing my eyes shut and letting out a small twitch when I hear asplurtfollowed by the feeling of warm goo right below my belly button.
I keep my eyes closed as I feel some pressure on my lower abdomen. She moves the instrument around my stomach, pausing every few seconds and clicking buttons on the computer. It’s not until I hear thewush-uh wush-uh wush-uh wush-uhthat my eyes fly open and I look at the doctor.
“What is that?”
“That, my dear, is the baby’s heartbeat. Nice and strong.”
Tears spring to my eyes, and this time I don’t hold them back. They fall down my cheeks and land on the crinkly paper beneath me. It feels like I’m being smothered with an emotion I didn’t know I harvested. Something akin to love and want fills me and I don’t know what to do with it.
I choke on a sob and look over at Jackson. His eyes are filled with wonder as he leans over his chair, practically bending in half. It’s like he’s trying to subconsciously reach the baby that beats the strong rhythm in my belly.
He looks up at me, and the pleading in his eyes tears me in two. He’s begging for me not to tear him in too.
My heart is already in shreds.
