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“And there’s a good look right there.” I automatically look over at the computer screen and see lots of gray static.
“Where?” Jackson blurts out, his voice full of want.
The doctor presses a little harder in my stomach and then holds down and clicks a few buttons. She points with her finger and my sob finally breaks free. “There’s the head, and looks, the baby’s hand is in it’s mouth.” She smiles and takes a couple more pictures.
“I see it.” I smile through a pool of tears and look at Jackson. “You see it?”
“Yeah. I see it.” His eyes shine bright and he can’t pull his eyes from the screen.
Dr. Bragburn pulls the wand off my stomach and pushes the machine away. She snaps off her gloves and wheels back to the computer. “From the looks of it, I would say you’re about four months along. I’m going to do a due date of February 18.”
Four months? Does that mean it’s Jackson’s baby?
“Are you sure?” I ask as I wipe off my stomach with the nearby towel.
She presses a button and starts to pull something off the ultrasound machine. “I’m pretty sure. Give or take a couple weeks. The baby is big, but first mothers usually go over their due date. Is there a reason you ask?” She frowns at me.
“No. Just wondering.” I sit up and pull my shirt over my stomach.
She goes back to smiling and hands me some papers. “Go ahead and make an appointment one month out. We can determine the sex at twenty weeks. Did you want to know the gender?”
“Um, I don’t know?” I frame the statement as a question, looking over at Jackson for advice.
“Yes, we do.” He speaks up, so sure of himself again and I want to fall into his arms and have him carry the weight I’m harboring. It feels like a million pounds of doubt.
“Wonderful. I’ll see you in four weeks then. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me at any time. Oh, and here. Here are some pictures of the baby to show off to family and friends.”
She hands me some tiny pictures and the little baby I’m in such awe of stares back at me.
I try to swallow down the lump in my throat, but it consistently remains.
“Thank you.” I whisper.
“No problem, dear. Have a great day.” She excuses herself and leaves the room.
Jackson lazily stands up from his chair and walks over to me. He grabs the picture out of my hand and looks at it. Inspects it. Memorizes it. Grazing his finger across it, he whispers, “A fucking baby...”
I hate the fact that I have to break his heart and give this baby up. If I could, I would just give it to him. Let him adopt it. But I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t be able to ever see him again. Therefore, I’d probably never see Rose or Easton again either.
No, I need to cut all ties.
Even if I don’t survive the agony.
* * *
“So,I wanted to ask you something.” Jackson says on the ride home.
We haven’t spoken much since we left the clinic. I needed time to think about the doctor visit, and Jackson prefers his usual silence anyway.
I’m almost scared to hear what he wants to ask me.
“What is it?” I rub my eyes, exhaustion hitting me from head to toe. More than just my usual physical fatigue, the day’s events has made me utterly mentally exhausted as well.
“I’m going to California.”
I whip my head in his direction. “You’re what?” I shout. “When?”
“In a few weeks.”
