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He stares at me with his eyes narrowed, looking for any kind of lie or hole in my words. When he finds none, he shakes his head and starts the truck, making his way towards the clinic.
I keep thinking about if I want a boy or a girl more, but then internally slap myself when I realize it doesn’t matter. It won’t be my baby to name, or dress, or even love.
It won’t be my baby.
We get to the clinic too fast, and before I know it, we’re checked in and sitting in the waiting room. Jackson doesn’t say anything, just sits there with his hand on my knee and watches me. He knows something is up, but he doesn’t say anything. His facial expressions remain so flat he looks at me like he doesn’t even know me, but the emotion in his eyes is overwhelming.
There’s an electric shock between us lately that’s always turned on to a low simmer, buzzing electricity between us and keeping me on high alert.
This is Jackson, is this even right? Is this really happening?
Then I look down at Jackson’s hand on my knee like it is now, and glance in his eyes, looking at the swirling green and I know, without a doubt, that the electric current between usis happening. And a part of me, deep into my bones and blood vessels and veins, thinks it’s right.
Thisfeels right.
“Cara?” My name gets called from the nurse in the doorway.
This is it. Time to figure out if it’s a boy or girl.
After the nurse checks my weight and vitals, she leaves to get the doctor.
And it’s just us.
“What do you want it to be?” I blurt out, saying anything to fill the silence.
He looks at me, eyes wide with surprise. “I didn’t think you cared. You know, since you’re giving it up for adoption anyway.” Ouch. Jab. Okay, so he’s not being completely nice, then.
“I care.” I whisper, words barely spoken aloud.
He turns towards me. “Do you? You sure? You haven’t—not once—asked how I’m feeling about this. You being pregnant. Having a baby. Giving it up for adoption.Not one word.”
I think back, certain I had to of said at least something to him. Asked him how he’s doing.
Nothing.
“I care.” I say louder, my eyes watering. “I do, Jackson. I-I don’t know why I didn’t check in with you. I’m sorry, but I do care!”
“Doesn’t seem like it.” He mumbles.
“I’m—”
A knock sounds on the door, and I quickly wipe my eyes and sit back in his seat.
“Hello!” Dr. Bragburn walks in with her portable ultrasound. Her face falls when she sees my red, wet cheeks. “Is everything all right?”
“Yes, I’m okay.” I wipe my face and put on a fake smile. “Hormonal.” I chuckle, although it falls flat.
She smiles reassuringly. “I promise it won’t be like this forever. Only a few months away and the baby will be here. You should expect your mood to be up and down, with your hormones being all over the place and having a new baby, but overtime things should bounce back.”
“Great.” My cheeks hurt from the fake smile. More than anything I just want to beg Jackson for forgiveness. I didn’t realize I’ve been such a selfish bitch and only caring about myself.
Seriously, I didn’t ask Jackson how he’s feeling? Not even one time?
“Okay, then. Well, everything is looking good so far. Ready to take a peek and see if we can find the gender?”
“Yes.” I genuine smile covers my face.
“Great! Let’s get you up on the table.”
