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"Can I shower with you?"
I look at him. I'm not ready to do anything. My body feels gross.
“Fuck, Cara. Not like that. I just want to take a fucking shower with you.”
"Sorry. Yeah, you can shower with me."
I strip on my way to the bathroom, throwing the clothes in the trash bin before walking into the shower. It's one of the most luxurious things we have in our home. It's built so Jackson can ride his chair right in, there's no lip or anything that Jackson has to go over to get in. It's big enough for two of Jackson's chairs, so there's plenty of room for the both of us. A built-in seat is in the corner, but Jackson usually just stays in his chair.
I turn the water on hot. Scalding. It burns my skin as I step underneath the spray. Jackson comes in, shirt stripped off but pants on. He doesn’t even try to come under the spray. Just sits there and stares at me. Watches me.
“Let me.” He says, grabbing the bottle of soap and my loofa. He pours a generous amount, lathering it with his hands before holding it up. I turn around, giving him my back. My hands curl around my front because the last time I was showering near a man he used them as jackoff material. I feel gross. Defiled.
Jackson doesn’t wash me softly. He presses the loofa against me and scrubs roughly. It’s like he wants to clean this man’s hands off my body as well. I wince when the scratching turns to slight pain. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Jackson’s determined, angry look as he scrubs my body clean.
The first tear leaks out. Then the second. Then the third. Finally, I lose count as the tears fall down my face in quick motions. He keeps scrubbing, not paying attention to my tears as he moves from my butt down to my legs. He grabs my hips, turning me around so I face him. I can barely look at him. Instead I close my eyes and tip my head back, letting the water wash through my hair.
He scrubs down my breasts, passing my stomach then knocking on my legs with his knuckles. I spread my legs as I let out a sob. He cleans between my legs quickly, then moves down the front of my legs.
When the scratching stops, I open my eyes and look down at him. He stares at me while I cry. I can’t take the silence. I fall down onto the built-in chair as I let out a cry. “Am I ruined? I feel ruined.”
“You’re not ruined.”
“You washed me like I’m dirty. Like I’ve been defiled.” Looking down, my skin is bright red. From a mixture of his scrubbing and the hot water, it looks raw.
“You were dirty. Now you’re not. You’re mine, Cara. Not for anyone else to look at or even touch. I could see his disgusting hands all over you. It makes me sick to think of what he did. I had to get rid of it. Scrub it the fuck off my girl.”
I look up at him through lowered eyes. “Do you still want me? Do you still want to be with me?”
He grabs my hand, yanking me forward and onto his lap. Grabbing my wet hair, he peels it off my forehead and pushes it behind my ears. “Cara?”
His tone makes my body lock up. Is he going to end it? Tell me he can never be with me again?
“Cara.” He says again.
“What?” My voice wobbles as I look down at my lap. My bare legs dangle off the side of his legs, goosebumps prickling along them.
“Look at me.”
I look into his eyes, seeing his vibrant greens swirling with an emotion I haven’t seen before. It’s warm. Warm with his cold exterior creating the most breathtaking tsunami of colors. “I love you.” He says. Gently. Easily.
What?
“You what?” I choke out.
He grabs my hand, lacing his long fingers through my small ones. “I love you, Cara. I don’t know if it happened when we were kids, or when we got together as adults, but I love you. I haven’t loved a single person in my life. Not since my sister. I’ve never had a chance to actually feel love. Then us happened. Then Wesley happened. I’ve never felt so much love in my entire life. It took me a while to realize it, but it’s love. We are love, Cara. The definition, the entire meaning, that’s us.”
I breathe, watching his lips dampen from the steam of the shower. I watch them move and form the letters and words I’ve wished to hear my entire life. The real deal. The real love. The forever love. That’s us, Jackson says. That’s us.
“Are you going to say anything or just sit there and stare at me?” He says, irritation lacing his words.
I gasp a breath. It feels like I’m breathing for the first time in my entire life. “I love you.”
His eyes widen before slightly shuttering. “Do you, really?”
I nod at him, swallowing down the emotions. I want to scream and cry and lose my shit because this man loves me. Jackson, the Mute. The man with no heart. The angry, fierce guy who kills without blinking.
“I love you so much my heart aches.” I say on an exhale. “I didn’t think I could love like this. Not again.”
