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Interest piqued; I look up to see her standing. She stretches, her arms shaking a little as she extends them over her head.
“Why?” I ask, suspicion heavy in my tone. I’m in no way in the mood for any morebig days. For a long time.
“When someone dies, all the charters get together. It’s a funeral of sorts, except we weren’t able to recover their bodies this time.”
“So…” My eyes go wide.
“The Oregon charter. The Texas charter. The Chicago charter. They’ll all be here later today.”
“What does that mean?” I whine.
She walks to the door. “It means there will be a lot of leather and drinking. A lot of hairy dudes.” She shakes her head. “I love days when we all get together. But, I also hate them. It means we lost someone.”
“What if I don’t want to go?” Because I don’t want to go, like at all.
She shrugs. “Then don’t go. But I think they will want you there.” She opens the door, slipping out. Before she closes it all the way, she whispers, “I know he would want you there, too.”
I slide down until my head hits the pillow. I roll over until my face is buried into the sheets that smells like motorcycles, outdoors, and cigarettes. My eyes burn as a tear leaks out, dampening the fabric beneath my face. My mouth opens on a silent wail.
I don’t want parties. I don’t want a house. I don’t want anything, really.
I just need him.
* * *
Hours later,I’m watching the crowd below me as they socialize, drink, and party. Lilah complained for the first couple hours to go down there. She wanted to see what all the noise was and wanted to go swing on her swing set.
I finally conceded after an hour, letting Violet take her to get something to eat and swing a few times. She came back much later than she said she would with a rosy smile on her face and all her baby teeth shining at me and tinted blue from the popsicle in her hand.
“Mommy, I had fun!”
I bend down and pick her up. “I’m glad you did, baby.”
“You sure you don’t want to come down, Ivy? A lot of people were hoping to meet you.” Violet says, looking and sounding much better than she did during the early hours of the morning.
I wince. “I’m fine. I’ll give Lilah a bath and then probably head to bed early.”
Violet shakes her head. “Yeah, okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye Lilah!” She waves and shuts the door, a disappointed look crossing her face at the last second.
I do as I’ve said I would. I give Lilah a bath, put warm pajamas on her and slide under the covers. The covers where the scent is fading day by day, being drowned out by the scent of Lilah and me. It makes me sad. It makes me want to sleep on the floor, so I don’t taint it. Or box up his belongings so I can go smell them when I need I’m feeling extra lonely. Like every moment of the day.
Curling underneath the covers, I slide Lilah right into the curve of my stomach and squeeze her tight. I lay there for minutes, listening to the shouting and many conversations going on outside.
Knock, knock.
I squeeze my eyes shut.I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Knock, knock.
Fuck, go away.
Knock, knock, knock.
I whip the sheets off me.Fine, fucking fine.I turn the doorknob and pull the door open with more force than necessary, surprise slapping me in the face when I see Lynx standing on the other side.
“Oh, hi.” I breathe, “Is everything okay?”
“Haven’t seen you at all today. Where you been?” He crosses his feet at the ankles and leans a shoulder up against the doorframe. His body takes up the expanse of the doorway, shrinking everything around him. He’s a big man, handsome. I figured I was looking in a mirror on what Aziel would look like twenty years from now. Their faces are nearly identical, although where Aziel has blueish eyes, Lynx’s are a dark brown, muddy, almost. There are also crow’s feet that have sprouted around Lynx’s eyes, and a slight tint of gray I can see showing during the sunniest parts of the days appear near his scalp. Aziel kept his hair on the shorter side, and Lynx has his long, past his shoulders. Today it’s tied in a tight bun on the back of his head. His shaggy dark beard is trimmed shorter, although still long.
