AllFreeNovel
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I’ve been around Lynx for months now, and this is the first time I’ve been able to really take a look at him.
“I’m not really in a party mood.” I let the oversized sleeves of Aziel’s sweatshirt fall past my hands and grab onto them, folding my arms across my stomach.
“Listen, kid.” His voice books no weaknesses, and my eyes automatically shift up to his. “My boy, he cared for you. I can guaran-fucking-tee that you would have been his old lady someday. Probably already thinkin’ about it, knowin’ him.” Tears fill my eyes, and this time I don’t brush them away. “Now, knowin’ how much he cared for you, I think I can call you family, you know?” He taps a cigarette out in the same mannerism that Aziel did, and I almost fall to my knees in tears. “You’re now my daughter, whether you like it or not. And just like my son and any other fuckhead here that I can consider family, I’m going to whoop your ass into shape when need be.” He sparks up his cigarette, taking a heavy inhale and exhaling through his nostrils. “I haven’t been here the last couple days, you know.” He taps his skull. “Been fucked up, thinkin’ bout his last moments, what I could have done different. I realize there’s nothin’ I could have done. What’s meant to be is done, and he wouldn’t want me drownin’ myself when I’ve got a club to run.” He points a finger at me. “And he wouldn’t want you holing up and hiding when you’ve got family to lean on.”
A sob breaks loose, and Lynx doesn’t coddle me. He doesn’t touch me or say anything to make me feel better. He just lets me break down in front of him. He lets me break loose and mourn the loss of the guy who I think I could have loved. With time, I could have loved him. And I think he would have loved me too.
After I’ve cried all the tears I physically have in me, I wipe my raw nose and look up at Lynx.
“Better?” He asks, cigarette long gone.
“Not really.” I frown.
“Good. You’ve got a ton of fuckin’ people downstairs that want to support you and help you through this. So, pick yourself off the ground and let’s go downstairs for a bit, yeah?”
I glance back at Lilah, unsure on what to do.
“She’s fine, Ivy. We’ve got unlimited babysitters here. And I think she’s comfortable enough that if she needs something, she knows where to go and who to talk to.”
I nod, closing the door softly and following Lynx down the hall and into the party.
So, I can do what Aziel wanted of me.
To live.
To breathe.
To finally be free.
* * *
“I want to stay here!”Lilah shouts, my just turned four-year-old swinging higher than safe on her swing set. I’m certain she wants her toes to touch the clouds. Cassius and West sit nearby, tinkering on their bikes.
“Is that fine with you guys? I just need to run down to the house for something.” I hitch my thumb over my shoulder.
“Want a ride? I could take you down there quick.” West stands up and wipes his hands on his jeans.
“No, I’m fine.” I lift my hands. “I could use a few minutes of fresh air. Do you mind keeping an eye on her for a minute? Or else she can come with me.”
Cassius waves me off. “Go. We got her.”
I smile gratefully and start walking towards the back gate. I can’t say these last two months haven’t been an uphill battle. Because they have been. Completely vertical, actually. Some days are worse than others, but every day is maybe one percent better than the day before.
Christmas has come and went. It’s now after the New Year, and I’m still here. When I woke up on Christmas morning with presents under the tree for Lilah, I think it solidified our home here. We can’t leave, not when I’ve found family and friends when I don’t have any anywhere else. Yeah, I could go and search for relatives if I really wanted to, but why would I? I’ve found family here, and I think it’s time I build some roots.
I think I’ve found my place.
I zip my coat to my neck and tighten my scarf. A light coating of snow dusts the ground and crunches underneath my shoes.
The silence in the mountains is like unlike anything I’ve ever witnessed. Mostly during the winter. It’s silent up here, everything seems morestillthan by the ocean. But everything else becomes amplified. The sounds of the mountain streams as they trickle through the rocks. The smells of the fresh show and air, untainted by the pollution of people and cars and buildings. The mountain view with the snow decorating the peaks and the branches of the trees weighted down by the thick white. It’s a different world.
And it took time for me to realize this is where I belonged. It took a lot of crying and packing up my bags. I even walked to the gate with Lilah in tow, everyone giving me blank looks as I dragged my daughter across the clubhouse.
But I couldn’t walk through that gate.
For the life of me, I couldn’t walk out of here and start over.
That was the turning point for me. That was the moment that I realized; this is my life now. I’m not going anywhere.
