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* * *
When we fly into Hell,the first thing I’m shocked by is that it’s only a bit different from Heaven. Until I see a canyon in the clouds and peer down into it.
I quickly jerk my eyes up, unable to process the unspeakable things happening down there. So. Many. Dicks. And boobs. And whips. And whips made of fire. And whips with nails at the end. And whips made entirely of floppy dildos. And is that…is that a sex swing made of human intestines?
“Okay, so we are definitely not touching down here.” I’m pretty sure Comet made a sad, disappointed braying noise. “Be careful, and keep your eyes peeled for molten glass,” I command.
Donner, who ended up winning the race amongst the reindeer, shifts underneath me. He’s been doing that a lot. I’m not sure if it's because I’m riding without panties and it feels different to him. It certainly feels different to me. If I’d known there was going to be this much sensation, I think I might have risked the wet skirt.
I grab his horn and lean forward, trying to make out something in the distance. “Is that it?” I ask, pointing at a red blob.
Donner very definitively shakes his head no, and all the reindeer veer away from the red blur in the distance. Hmmm…I wonder if reindeer have great eyesight.
Suddenly, my reindeer goes into a dive that leaves me shrieking and clinging on for dear life. He lands amidst a group of demon children who have bright orange wings and tiny horns the size of pencils on their foreheads. They appear to be on a platform of wispy red clouds that spark as if with lightning bolts. Tiny metallic nails protrude from some of the clouds closest to me, though the demon children appear unperturbed, as if they deal with erratic nail-clouds all the time.
The kids are involved in what looks like a game of marbles. They scatter when we land in the middle of their game.
“Oh! I love marbles! We make them all the time at the workshop.” I clap. It takes a second before I realize why Donner landed here. Oh, he’s a genius. These are probably made of Hell glass!
One of the kids, a little black-haired imp, raises his eyebrows. “You wanna play? You gotta bet.”
I shrug. “I’m afraid I don’t have anything to bet.” I stare longingly down at the marbles. I really need some of those. Dammit.
“You got a dress, don’t you?” The demon kid gives me a grin that suddenly makes me wonder if these demons are children after all. Maybe they’re the cherub version of a demon…eternally small and child-like.
“How old are you?” I ask.
“Three-hundred and seventy-two,” he responds instantly.
But he has a snarky grin on his face. The kind that I used to get when I lied to Dad. He can’t be more than fifty, which is basically a demon preschooler. Granted, he’s still way older than me and is kinda looking like he wants to eat me alive, but still. “Lie!” I call him out.
That’s a bad idea. Because suddenly, his wings are flared, and this fucker has fangs, and all of his little friends group around behind him.
Apparently, he doesn’t like when I out him in front of his friends. Oops?
Donner lowers his head and charges. And then, just as his antlers toss the first demon up, he lets a huge fart rip. The other demons groan and cover their noses. He bucks wildly, dancing all around, making noises I’ve never heard him make before.
What. The. Fuck?
I’m shocked into silence for a moment, before Cupid comes closer and nudges my shoulder with his nose. Oh, right. Marbles.
I lean down and scoop up a handful, hoping that’s enough. Then I climb onto Cupid’s back. Seconds later, we’re soaring through the sky away from those demons. I’m not sure why they don’t follow until Donner joins us and the stench is so disgusting, I have to cover my nose. That would be why.
But I’m grateful. Without him, we definitely wouldn’t have been able to distract those demons and get away. Now, we’ve checked three items off our list. Only one to go.
I open my hand to stare down at my palm. I can’t blame stealing these on a reindeer. Guilt creeps across my chest. I’ll have to send those demon children some presents. Or maybe some cookies. Even evil creatures love cookies, right?
I nod to myself as I harden my resolve. We have to complete this mission, and fast. We only have one thing left to do.
“Let’s get to Earth!” I call out to the reindeer.
We need to go interrupt a first kiss.
* * *
I want to cry.I want to rip my hair out. We’ve tried and failed to interrupt three different kisses. I guess appearing in front of humans and chanting Latin words is kind of a turn off.
Who knew?
