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Right. Yeah. Not doing that. She couldn’t chase him. Couldn’t tie him down with some impossible long-distance relationship. Not after everything he’d been through the past couple of years. He deserved to be happy.
But so did she. Maybe Lauren was right. Maybe the biggest risk would be to play it safe and not find out what she and Matt could have. She was already hurt, already suffering the consequences of not playing it safe. What did she have to lose?
An idea snapped through her, and she sat up a little bit straighter. She’d already checked Facebook for Matt Grayson, but hadn’t found him. This time, when the site loaded, her fingers flew across the keys as she typed a different name into the search bar.
She let out a small, triumphant cry as she clicked on Luke Grayson’s Facebook profile.
Chapter 9
The only thing worse than driving a thousand miles by yourself was driving a thousand miles by yourself in the middle of winter with what felt a hell of a lot like a broken heart.
He popped a French fry in his mouth, trying not to think. But on this wide expanse of the I-84 somewhere in Idaho, there wasn’t much scenery, and his brain once again took over. The farther he drove, the more he thought about Ellie. The tiniest, stupidest things reminded him of her. Colors, songs, smells. Mostly, he thought about the connection they’d had. As Rascal Flatts played on the radio, he replayed their two days together for the hundredth time.
Too bad I left my latex suit at home.
This is Matt, and I owe him a drink.
I’ve never had a guy go all Conan the Barbarian like that before.
I’m not changing my mind. Matt, I want this. I want you. For as long as I can have you.
Your comic book name would be The Sex Detective.
Don’t fall asleep. It can’t be over yet.
I’m just trying to picture the kind of woman who would cheat on you, who wouldn’t want to have your baby? I . . . just can’t.
I can’t say good-bye to you.
Over and over he replayed it, every single second he could remember. God, he missed her. He barely knew her, and he fucking missed her. Wanted her. Needed her. Ached for her. His chest, his stomach, everything hurt.
Somewhere about ten miles outside of Boise, Matt realized that he had fallen completely head over heels in love with Ellie. His Ellie. Gorgeous and sweet and amazing. Sure, it was crazy to think he was in love with her after such a short amount of time, but what felt truly crazy was walking away from what they’d had, brief as it had been. New Year’s Eve with Ellie had been one of the best nights of his life, and he knew, right then and there, that he would always regret it if he didn’t pursue it. If he didn’t try to keep her.
What kind of moron walked away from a woman like that? Especially when, with each passing mile, he became more and more convinced that she felt the same way about him. But like him, she’d been too scared to say anything.
For the past two years, he’d been living in a drab, black-and-white world, filled only with tones of gray. With Ellie, who was beautiful and smart and adorable, it was as though everything had exploded into glorious Technicolor. She’d woken him up, breathed new life into him, and he knew he couldn’t let her go.
When he reached Boise, he pulled into a gas station, refueled, bought a coffee, and headed back onto the I-84, pointing his Jeep toward Colorado.
* * *
Oh, God. What the hell was she doing? Ellie paused, her arms full of clothes, in front of her open suitcase, papers scattered over her bed. She dropped the clothes in and took a deep breath. “I’m motherfucking Meg Ryaning it. That’s what I’m doing.”
In the two days since she’d said good-bye to Matt, the pain of missing him hadn’t lessened as she’d hoped it would. Instead, it had become increasingly intense, to the point where she couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Could barely focus on work. Last night, sometime around two in the morning, as she’d lain in bed and wondered where he was, what he was doing, if he was okay, if he was happy, if he was thinking about her at all, she’d grabbed her laptop and credit card and bought a plane ticket to Seattle.
His brother Luke had been thrilled to give her Matt’s contact information, but she’d been too scared to use it at first. Instead, she’d chatted with Luke again, telling him that she was thinking about going to Seattle to find Matt. Luke had promised he wouldn’t say a word, and had encouraged Ellie to go, telling her she was making the right decision.
She’d decided that she wasn’t going to email Matt until she was actually in Seattle. Partly because she didn’t know what to say, and mostly because she was a big, fat chicken. She needed a little time to work up the courage to tell him that she’d fallen in love with him.
It was the most unsafe decision she’d ever made in her life, and she felt alive and happy and hopeful. Scared too, but Matt was worth it.
She didn’t even want to think about how bad it would hurt if she found him and he rejected her. Talk about leaping without a safety net.
She scowled at the jumble of clothes in her suitcase and took them out, folding them neatly before putting them back in. Re-organizing, yes, but also stalling. Her eyes landed on the boarding pass she’d printed, and she checked her watch. It was almost noon, and time to leave for the airport. She’d be in Seattle by evening.
She took another deep breath, trying to squash the wave of nausea churning in her stomach. She had never taken such a risk before. But then again, she had never felt about a man the way she felt about Matt. Just thinking his name sent tingles of nervous anticipation racing up and down her spine.
With shaking fingers, she zipped up her suitcase, threw her laptop bag over her shoulder and hauled her bags down the stairs. She stowed the bags on the porch, bundled up to face the Denver cold, and then locked the door, light flakes starting to swirl around her, weak sunshine glinting off the fresh fallen snow and making it sparkle like tiny diamonds.
