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Sighing, I kissed his rock-solid, bare chest. But even laying there, the sound of his heartbeat bleeding into me, I couldn’t help but replay the whole night in my head, along with the conversation I’d had with Summer. Brow furrowed, I worried my bottom lip. “Did you notice a difference in Summer tonight? Maybe like she is overly tired?”
“Yeah, baby, I did. Gyth mentioned it to me too. He seemed worried.”
My anxiety increased. “Well, I asked her later on if everything was okay. She just said she had been working a lot and not sleeping well, so she was just tired, but brushed it off and said she would be fine once she caught up on her Z’s. I’m still concerned though.”
“We’ll keep an eye on her, and check with Alley tomorrow and see what she thinks. Your sister usually knows all, and she would be one of the first people to have noticed.”
“Okay “Night, Brax, love you.”
“Love you more, Dimples.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Jurnee
Tired to my bones,I laid my head in my hands for a few minutes to rest at my desk. The weekend after speaking with Mrs. Miller, we’d spent two long, grueling days in the classes we needed to take to become certified foster parents. It was a lot to fit into a short time, but it was worth every minute if it brought the outcome we were praying for. We hadn’t wanted to waste any time and needed to be prepared if they agreed to let Embry come live with us.
However, during the week at work, I hadn’t said anything or even hinted to my sweet girl about what Brax and I were trying to do. We’d agreed, along with her social worker, that it would be best not to raise her hopes in case something didn’t work out. Now we had to wait, and it was killing me. I rubbed my temples as the tension in my head increased. Damn stress was hard on a person’s body.
Please let good news come soon.
If the state would approve us as foster parents before we got married, which was just a few short weeks away, there was a chance Embry could be there with us for the ceremony. How amazing would that be? The thought had a smile gracing my face, not only about her possibly being there, but because I was so close to becoming Braxton’s wife too.
Throughout the week, when not working, we had been planning a small ceremony to take place on the first weekend of September. It would be a cute, intimate wedding, with a very short guest list. Only our closest friends, my parents, some of the people from work, and Gemma would be coming, now that she lived close by. Obviously, Braxton’s parents would not be attending, as Brax didn’t speak to them, nor would he have wanted them there even if he did, and neither of us had any other family. My dad and mother were both only children and my grandparents had all passed away.
I had been sitting in my office for a while thinking about what I needed to accomplish and doing some paperwork when an awful bout of nausea washed over me. I had been feeling this way all week. Between it and being exhausted, I assumed it was just the stress getting to me, but it was lingering. Any time this happened, I ended up having to make an appointment. One I never wanted to. Pulling my head from my hands, panic started rearing its ugly head and my breathing grew rapid, making me feel even sicker.
It was then that reality came crashing back with a force so strong I thought I was going to fall down a dark, empty hole filled with sorrow, and never pick myself back up. How could I think of dragging Braxton and Embry, who I loved so much, into this world of mine? Because as I dialed the dreaded number, I couldn’t see how it would be fair to them. Didn’t they deserve someone in their life they could count on, not one with so many uncertainties?
But how can I ever let them go?
In the blink of the eye, and just as I’d started to get comfortable with a new future, my body had reminded me of why I didn’t get too close to others. I had only truly done that with Summer, Alley, and my parents. Never should I have been planning a wedding or trying to adopt a child. Letting myself believe I could have had it all was a mistake that brought pain so unbearable, I felt it to my core. A husband, children, or true happiness. What the hell was I thinking? And what was I going to do now?
In a matter of minutes, the beautiful world I’d longed for and thought was in my grasp, crumbled.
First things first—I had to schedule my appointment, and then I’d figure it out from there. It’s what I always did. They had a cancellation, so I was going to my appointment in an hour. In the past it had always just been a scare, but what happened when one of these times it wasn’t? Dragging myself out of my chair, I needed to get up and go let my staff know that I had to leave for the rest of the day.
I was headed to the oncologist.
Hours later, I stumbled into the house, even more worn out than I had been earlier. The mental stress was taking a toll on my fragile mind and fatigued body. All I could do now was wait for my bloodwork to come back. Since I took off from work early, Braxton was still atNo Surrender,and I was all alone in the house. I wandered upstairs and opened the door to one of the extra rooms we had been starting to work on in hopes of Embry coming to join us. My heart constricted, taking the breath from my lungs as agony washed through me. We had only painted it so far, and although it was not set in stone that she would get to enjoy this space, we couldn’t help ourselves.
Now it may never happen at all.
Falling to the floor against one of the newly painted soft pink walls, I began to cry. This color was Embry’s favorite and we had done it thinking of her. We had so many other plans for her room, but what if it wasn’t meant to be? My cries turned to sobs.
That’s how Braxton found me when he walked in.
Kneeling in front of me, he took my face in his hands. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong? Did you hear back from the social worker?” The panic in his tone because he too would be devastated if they had denied us, brought on more waterworks that I seemed to have zero control over. The stream of salty tears poured from my puffy eyes, dripped down my trembling lips and wobbly chin.
Oh God, I hated that I was a blubbering mess that had made him worry. I couldn’t speak through my cries, so I shook my head no.
“Baby, then what is it? Is something wrong at work? Did Embry’s father show up again? Are you hurt?” His temper-laced tone seeped past his lips, and an angry look took up residence on his gorgeous face.
He was firing off question after question. But it wasn’t any of those things, and yet the one thing it was, I wasn’t prepared to talk about. I just couldn’t. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew where I needed to go.I am a coward.
So, swallowing down all my feelings that felt like they were suffocating the life right out of me, I said the only thing I could manage to get out.
“I need to go stay with the girls for a night or maybe two.” The sight of his face crumbling killed me. How could I be so selfish to the man I loved and not just talk it out? But I was scared. Part of me was thinking how could I go through with anything if something is wrong with me again, or if social services found out I was sick, they’d deny us Embry. What if Braxton couldn’t handle either of those scenarios and he walked away himself? I wouldn’t survive that. It would have to be me that did it.
