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Summer nodded as if she agreed.
Then again, how could she not agree when it was the truth? Landon looked after me just like he had his own sister, but from the very beginning and over time, Landon and my friendship was different. Despite the age difference, we had a unique connection, and it was hard to put into words why that was. Later, he started confiding in me when I got older, telling me his fears, secrets, and insecurities, we only grew closer.
The girls waited patiently, letting me find my way through this conversation. “As much as I love you both and with how much I had loved—still love— Landon, I never knew how strong love could truly be, until I felt my baby growing inside me.” It was almost too much to talk about, especially two times in one day.
“Our Hannah Nicole was precious.” My chest hurt with all the emotion building up inside me and I tried my hardest to hold the tears building at bay, but in the end, I didn’t succeed because it was all just too much.
A sob broke free and I felt dead inside. I also feltsoguilty. “I am s-so s-sorry I kept her and everything from both of you,” I cried.
Both the girls stood and came to me, wrapping their arms around me. “Oh honey,” Jurnee whispered, her voice a little choked with emotion. The warmth their embrace created, settled into my soul a little and my tears slowed. I had so much more to get through.
“I am okay, please sit, I have more to tell you.” Me, I needed to keep upright if I was going to keep going.
Once they returned to the couch, I continued. I hadn’t talked about the rest of this for years and telling them now was going to rip open old wounds that never even fully healed.
“When things changed between Landon and me, he wanted to tell everyone, but I wouldn’t let him. So no matter what, pleasedon’tblame him. Everyone was aware we were friends and close, even if it seemed odd. For two years, I made him sneak around. It was kind of exciting, but I always felt guilty because of my brother and you guys. Yet, because I didn’t believe I was ever good enough for him and I knew your parents,” I said, looking at Summer directly, “would never approve of me for him. I kept waiting for him to come to the same realization.”
“Oh Alley, my parents areidiots, you know that!” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “And my brother may have got sucked into their world a little, but he has never really been anything like them.”
God, I was screwing this up because it was important they knew how amazing Landon had been. “I know,” I said, hanging my head again, this time in shame for even thinking the way I had. “Landon only always made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and beyond special. It was all me.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Jurnee chimed in. “Your parents never really showed you how a relationship could be or made you feel loved.”
“No, though you two and my brother did. And Landon after that, so I should have trusted in it. In us. But then we found out about the baby.” My chin trembled as a cry slipped past my lips. “After that, I knew I had to change my thinking so we could be a family. I was so close and then everything fell apart.”
Sucking in a gulp of air, I hesitated. I felt ripped in two already but the rest…well, I didn’t know how I would live with myself after telling my best friends the rest of the story.
“I am just going to try and get the rest out quickly because I am not sure how much longer I can hold it together.” Closing my eyes, I breathed in through my nose and slowly blew it out, then I finished my story.
“When reality kicked in and I had just passed my first trimester, I agreed to tell everyone about Landon, me, and the baby. First was us coming out as a couple and he made me agree to go to the country club where his parents were having a party. It was one of the hardest things for me to do. I dressed up, was going to meet Landon there, and weather the storm of snobville. But when I got there and walked in, he was dancing with some beautiful, perfectly put-together blonde woman and my heart sank.”
“Is that why at the bar that night when he was dancing with that blonde you had run out?” Summer asked.
“Yes,” I nodded. “It was like that night all over again and my heart hurt just looking at him. That evening at the country club, I left without Landon even knowing. He was so worried when I didn’t show up and thought something had happened with me or the baby. He left the party just shortly after I saw him and came to the house. You guys were both gone, so I was here alone. For a minute I felt awful for making him panic and then I remembered what I saw. That night we got into our first big fight.”
Wringing my hands together, tension taking hold of my whole body, I went on. “I kicked him out and told him we were over. I made him leave and didn’t let him come with me to my appointment the next day.”
God, what a huge mistake.
“See, some of my blood tests suggested genetic disorders with our child and I had scheduled an amniocentesis to further look at what may be wrong. Landon and I both wanted to be prepared even though it would never change how we felt about her. We were supposed to go together and although most people have no complications later, that didn’t end up being the case for me.”
Both Jurnee and Summer had tears trickling down their faces to match the ones falling down mine.
“I lost our baby. I got upset and stressed that night when I saw him. Right before a very important procedure that I chose to have done. It is my fault Hannah is not here!” I screamed, as I burst into uncontrollable tears and dropped to my knees so full of sorrow that would never go away.
Summer and Jurnee came down on the floor and held me as I rocked back and forth, not able to catch my breath.
“Shhh,” one of them soothed, but I had no clue who it was. I had more I needed to get out before I broke down completely, I couldn’t handle much more.
“I-I b-believed him later,” I stuttered. Chest heaving and my stomach twisted in knots, it took a moment to try and calm so I could get the words out. “After Landon left and had told me his mom had pushed that girl on him in front of everyone making a spectacle, I knew he was telling me the truth. And yet I had still been so mean to him when he came over. I was scared about the next day and I started doubting us all over again. So when I went alone to the appointment and later lost the baby, something that killed us both, I decided to stay pissed at him because that emotion was easier than the despair I was feeling. It was so wrong of me.”
“You are human, we all do things to protect ourselves, Alley,” Jurnee said softly, rubbing my back to soothe me. “Don’t be so hard on yourself because this wasn’t your fault. I know my words will not make you believe it, or make the pain go away, but they are the truth.”
I may have tried to protect myself, but I failed at protecting my child.
Jurnee hugged me tight and that gave me the strength to get through the last part.
“One thing I had found out during the procedure was that we were having a girl. I was so happy, but it was something Landon should have been there for, and it was my fault he wasn’t. What kind of person does that make me?”I am an awful person.I thought to myself, my chin trembling.“Two days after, I miscarried. Nobody knew about the baby, so when the pain started, I called Landon and he took me to the hospital where we went through the most awful experience of our lives. And when our little Hannah was gone, I made him leave for the second time.”
