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The night had been wonderful, but when the early morning light shimmered through the blinds, reality once again set in.
I am pregnant!
And with that thought, I couldn’t help but think of my Hannah and the loss of her still creating a raw ache in my chest, a piece of my heart would always be broken. So, I did something I hadn’t done for a while
I pulled out her baby items I had kept, the ones I hadn’t let myself part with. We hadn’t got much yet since I was just past my first trimester when tragedy struck and hadn’t told everyone about us and the baby yet. But as she grew inside me, I couldn’t help but pick up a few things for my little girl as I saw them.
Sliding out of Landon’s embrace, I went to my closet and pulled down the pink storage box that held the sacred items carefully placed inside. Not wanting to wake the gorgeous man sleeping in my bed and having him see me so vulnerable again, I took the container out to the living room and sat down on the couch, placing it in front of me on the coffee table.
How long I stared at it, scared and nervous energy running through my body, I didn’t know. But finally, with shaking hands, I pulled the top open and peeked inside. Sucking in a breath as sorrow rushed through me at the sight, I wondered if it would ever get easier to see these things and talk about my baby.
Looking away for a moment, I stared off into space, thinking about my life. Not once when I was younger had I played with dolls, probably because I wasn’t given any, and because when Braxton or I had to buy something, there were things way more important that we needed that our parents would not provide. I also didn't think about children and assumed because of my parents I would be a shitty mother. But when Landon and I got together, even though Hannah was a surprise, something started to change inside me. Even when scared out of my mind, I loved her instantly, and with each day that passed that love grew by leaps and bounds until my heart was full.
It died with her that day when I lost her.
How could my heart go on beating or loving, when she had taken it with her?
And there I was now, another precious life growing inside me. What if I failed this child too? If I lost another, I would never be whole again. Looking back at the box, I slowly started pulling out the contents and placing it on the couch next to me. As I gazed down, my eyes took in each item, and salty tears dripped down my cheeks. Then a sob broke free. A sob filled with so much pain and despair, I couldn’t catch my breath.
That was how Landon had found me.
* * *
LANDON
Not again.
Rolling over, Alley’s scent surrounded me, but she didn’t. A bare space and cold sheets were all I found. Was she sick and didn’t tell me? The thought and sound of her not feeling well like the morning before were unsettling. I hated that she had felt that way.
Then a sound I loathed more pierced my ears and I was off the bed in a shot. A sorrow-filled sob filled the hallway, coming from the front of the house. I scurried across the room to retrieve my boxers that had been thrown hazardously the evening before, in a hurry to make love to my girl. Not able to wait for another second to go to her, I took off out of the room, following the heartbroken cries.
And when I found Alley on the couch and glanced down at what she was looking at, I knew exactly why she was so sad. My heart lurched at the sight of all the things around her. In her hand, she held a tiny pair of satin, white baby shoes, with a small pink bow on the top. We’d been at the beach after finding out she was pregnant and walked by a baby store. Alley’s eyes had melted and I knew I had to buy them for her.
I just didn’t know she had kept them. But the truth was, I didn’t know a lot about what Alley did after the loss of Hannah, except to do her best to shut me out and push me away.
“Baby, please don’t cry,” I pleaded in a soft voice.
Rounding the couch, I dropped to my knees on the floor between her legs and rubbed my hands up and down her smooth thighs.
“Look at me.” I had asked for her eyes, but when those crystal blues, shimmering with tears, looked straight at me, I almost wanted to glance away. Since the day I had met Alley, it had always killed me to see her unhappy, and I wished I could take away all her pain.
Knowing that the sorrow and heartache wouldn’t just go away because one asked, I didn’t try to stop her from going down memory lane. Maybe it was a trip we both needed since we never talked about what happened or faced the despair it had caused.
“Show me what you got here?” I asked her.
I wasn’t sure what to expect from my question, but we had to start somewhere. When she held up the baby shoes in her hand and started talking about the day we found them, so many emotions ran through me. It was soul-crushing and so damn devastating, but again what we needed.
As she went through each item, one by one, we smiled, and we cried together at all the memories. And as hard as it was, we were doing it together. Something we should have done long ago.
Alley placed each item back in the box as she went and when we were finished, she closed the top, then she sucked in a breath before speaking.
“Why does it have to hurt so much? Why did we lose her?” she choked out.
I’d moved next to her on the couch as we talked. Pulling her onto my lap, she came easily, and we wrapped our arms around each other.
“I don’t know, baby. But I’d take away all your pain if I could.” It was the truth. I would do it in a heartbeat if it was possible.
We stayed silent for some time, just holding one another, both our bodies sagging a little from being emotionally spent. But an overwhelming feeling raced through me at the same time. There was so much to process and work through not only for our past but for our future too. When Alley spoke next, breaking the quiet surrounding us, it was clear she was thinking the same thing.
