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I’d held a secret tucked away for many years. A big one. I’d been doing it for so many reasons, but it was never to intentionally hurt anyone. I’d thought in the long run I was allowing Rowan to live the life he wanted without taking the chance of Zander ever feeling rejected.
Like I had when Rowan walked away from me.
Some people might not understand that. And there was a chance Rowan may just be going through the motions then one day he’d wake up and decide he couldn’t forgive me.
It was a constant worry.
The loss of two very special people in Rowan’s life was another item to add to the list of things he had to deal with. One being his little sister. He blamed himself for her death and the agony had sat dormant in his heart since she died, rushing to the surface from time to time, only to be pushed back down so he didn’t have to feel the devastation it left him with. The other loss was Luke, which I wasn’t sure he’d processed completely either.
And we can’t forget the elephant in the room. We’d had sex and created an absolutely precious child together, but since Rowan had found out about Zander, we hadn’t talked about the intimacy we shared to bring our son into the world.
Yet something undeniable simmered between us when we were together.
But I’d wrapped my heart in a protective cocoon when it came to anything Rowan. I couldn’t allow it to unravel and be set free to break again.
Keeping the focus on my son was the best-laid plan.
“Let’s go,” Zander said while tugging on my hand. He seemed to be doing that a lot, eager to go see Rowan, Dexter, and all the other new people in his life. “I want to see where daddy works and he said he is going to show me everything.”
Zander had been waiting to seeNo Surrenderfor weeks after they talked a little about what Rowan did and where he worked. Of course, Rowan was careful about how much he told him about certain aspects of the job. Hopefully, he would be leaving the guns out of the show and tell.
While I heard they started with security systems and multiple classes at the center, such as martial arts, self-defense, and also gun classes, they had recently started branching out. They’d been asked to do security for venues and also some personal security when public figures, singers, and others were attending functions.
The assignment Rowan had been on lately, seemed to bother him, but he didn’t divulge many details. It was, however, easy to see the distress and concern in his eyes sometimes. It wasn’t my place to ask and I assumed that he had to keep the privacy of some people.
He also seemed tired. He and Lyric seemed to be taking on more jobs so the others could spend time with their families. Rowan was fairly new to the company and Lyric, while a cop, was moonlighting forNo Surrenderon the side. But I heard they are still looking for more guys, so hopefully, that would free everyone up some.
“Mom, we have to go. Daddy said that after we see his work, he has a surprise for me. If we miss it I will be mad.” He folded his arms across his chest, squinted his eyes, and gave me his best ‘I’m angry impression.’
Fighting back laughter, I hid my smile with a cough and turned around to grab my purse and light jacket, which I most likely wouldn’t need. It was a beautiful September day, not too hot, and not cold at all. It was perfect for Zander’s surprise. I knew where we were going, but Rowan wanted me to keep quiet. It was cute he was so exhilarated to plan something special for his son.
Zander’s birthday was in the middle of the week coming up so Rowan had planned a party on the Friday before so everyone could attend. They had even scheduled all their work meetings, gigs and classes around it. It was amazing.
Each year it had been just the two of us. Except for when Luke’s mom would pop in, give him a gift, and remind me how much our home was not up to her standards. I tried to understand that losing her son hurt her deeply, but she didn’t like me, yet she tried using my son and me as replacements in a sense.
It was all very twisted and the whole situation had been absurd over the years.
Taking a deep breath because thinking about her could drive me to drink—like a few too many—I turned and took Zander’s hand. My son and I had a whole group of wonderful people that wanted to be a part of our lives. And they appreciated us for who we were.
“Ready, Freddy.”
“My name is Zander,” my son said with an eye roll.
“Really?” I questioned as if I didn’t know. We’d done this banter back and forth many times.
“You know that, goofy.”
Ducking down, I grabbed my son, snuggling into his face and raining a million mommy kisses all over his cheeks. He giggled with laughter. I freed him from my hold but couldn’t stop thinking that one day he would get older and wouldn’t let me do these things.
I would get as much as I could while he still let me.
Hand in hand, another thing I wouldn’t take for granted that he still allowed without question, we walked out the door to spend the evening with Rowan.
I hoped that I could keep my heart locked up tight, but it was getting harder by the day.
* * *
“CanI come to work with you every day, Daddy?” He placed both hands together like he was praying I would say yes and looked at me with big puppy dog eyes. “It’s so cool.”
