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Evemer grumbled under his breath and fetched another underlayer out of his wardrobe to replace the clothes Kadou had been wearing since the night before. “Youdon’t have to apologize for him.”
“He’s my armsman. His behavior reflects on me.”
“For other people, maybe,” Evemer muttered, glancing away while Kadou changed out of his clothes. “It’s fine. He’s said he’ll take the consequences. And I didn’t . . . mind.” He huffed. “I minded, but I didn’t mind.”
“If you’d minded, you would have . . . ?”
“Smacked him, probably,” Evemer said, with a wry quirk of his mouth that had no call to be so terribly distracting. It was just that Kadou hadn’t seen him smile much. “He’s harmless. He’s all mouth. He can say whatever he likes.”
Kadou ought to say sorry for the rest—for keeping him too busy to visit his mother or to bring someone home to her, for assuming he wanted to be rescued downstairs and calling him away from an opportunity to have something of a personal life. For being too interested in the conversation to change the subject when he should have, too interested in the idea that Evemer had only kissed two people (and one of them was Kadou, because it counted, itdid). He couldn’t confess any of that, even in the context of apologizing, because then Evemer would know Kadou had opinions about something that was absolutely not Kadou’s to have opinions about.
Kadou sat on the edge of the bed and realized that there was another dilemma—Evemer had to sleep, and there wasn’t much space in this room, so he would probably leave.No,Kadou thought suddenly, fiercely.No, don’t.
It wasn’t strange of him to want his kahya near him after he’d almost been killed, was it? It was merely reciprocal protectiveness. “Where—where are the kahyalar sleeping?”
“Mama made up beds in the basement and the workroom. The day shift is already asleep.”
“Sounds . . . crowded.”
Evemer shrugged. “No different than the cadet dormitories.”
A long silence, while Kadou struggled to find something to say that wouldn’t sound whiny or demanding or—or inappropriate. He just wanted Evemer nearby, just within eyesight, that was all. Nothing more than that. “If you like . . . If you don’t want to be around the others . . . Up to you, but you’re welcome to sleep here if you wanted.” He waved vaguely to the corner of the room by the wardrobe. “If you’ll be sleeping on floor cushions either way.”
“I wouldn’t want to impose, my lord.” Evemer paused. “Unless Your Highness still feels uncomfortable after last night’s events.”
Well, that waspartof it, at least. He didn’t feel safe without Evemer next to him, and he wouldn’t be able to feel thatEvemerwas safe either, if he went elsewhere. Would it be terrible of him to say just, “Yes, I require you here in case of attack,” as if it were that simple?
Kadou, because he was a coward and a fool, shrugged one shoulder as vaguely as he could manage and hoped that Evemer might read whatever he liked out of that.
And he did: He nodded once, left the room, and came back a minute later with a pair of cushions, which he arranged in the corner with the blanket laid over the top. Kadou watched silently, curling up and fussing with his own covers to occupy his hands.
He didn’t like Evemer in yellow, he decided. It didn’t look right. He’d worn rust-brown to go out on tonight’s so-called reconnaissance mission in order to blend in better, and that hadn’t looked right either. The blues of the core-guard suited him better. In any other color, he might have been anyone. This was why people gave their kahyalar and armsmen uniforms: so that everyone would know that they belonged somewhere, that there was someone to whom they mattered.
Someone they belonged to,Kadou thought to himself before violently shoving away that thought too. Evemer wasn’t his, but he was, but he wasn’t, but hewas.
Coward,Kadou thought to himself.Pathetic coward. You won’t even think it to yourself. You won’t even let yourself admit it. Just do it already, get it over with. You’re being ridiculous.
Kadou rolled onto his back, folded his hands on his stomach, stared up at the underside of the roof sloping above his head, and let himself think it.
There was the possibility that he wanted Evemer.
Coward!he screamed at himself.No possibility about it!Eozena had stumbled in with anarrowthrough her leg, and still Kadou had been more afraid for Evemer—and yes, admittedly, that was partially because he was unconvinced thatanythingcould kill Eozena. He had more iron-bound faith in Eozena’s ability to survive an arrow through the leg and a dunking in cold water than he did of anyone else’s ability to survive a stubbed toe.
He wanted Evemer. Oh, it must be so painfully obvious to everyone else. Just the way he’d kept touching Evemer—a hand on his arm or his shoulder, sitting near him . . .
He could have continued resisting it consciously, stubbornly holding a dam against putting words to it in the privacy of his mind, but his hands knew. Had known. He wondered when it had started—possibly in the bathhouse, with his hands in Evemer’s hair. Possibly in the alley when he’d told Evemer to kiss him (it counted), with his hands on Evemer’s back and shoulders. His hands told fewer lies than his mind did.
Evemer was right there, right across the room—less than ten feet away. Kadou was excruciatingly aware of him. A prickling thrill ran up his spine at the thought of . . . of turning over and looking at him. Justlooking. Letting his eyes linger on those broad shoulders and strong arms and big capable hands, that fine profile, that incongruously plush bottom lip. Those intelligent dark eyes and solemn brow, all those endearingly serious expressions . . .
No possibility about it. He wanted. He’d been wanting.
Tadek would laugh at you so hard if he knew,Kadou thought wretchedly.He’d say, “I told you so,” and crow about it for a week. He’d wiggle his eyebrows at you and make jokes about broom closets and how you should try throwing a chair through a window, and the only way you’d be able to shut him up is to tell him about that kiss, even though it didn’t mean anything and he’d only be even more smug that he’d known all along.
Unless he wasn’t smug. Unless he was hurt by it, or felt abandoned. Hehadfelt abandoned, before. He’d already thought that Evemer had eclipsed him in Kadou’s regard and favor.
Or was that mostly his stupid, treacherous brain coming up with reasons to make himself feel terrible about it so that he could hide from his wanting more easily? Or were both true?
Usmim have mercy on him, was he going to have to talk to Tadek about this? Get into more shouting matches, exchange more hurts? How was he supposed to be friends with his former lover while he was already wanting someone else so soon, and so badly? How could he expect Tadek to be unaffected by that?
