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“No, Aunt.”
“Hmm,” she said. “I have an instinct . . . You know there is nothing holding you here, don’t you? You’re free to leave whenever you want, or to linger. My time is yours, within reason.” She smiled at him. “Have I taken enough burdens today? Do you want to leave?”
Slowly, he said, “No.”
“Ah,” she said, and sipped her tea.
“It’s difficult for me to speak of things like this.”
She nodded again. “Take your time. Find the right words.”
He sat in silence for a dozen slow breaths. Finally, feeling that this was going to be what scandalized her enough to kick him out, he said, “There was one more thing. I’m in love with His Highness.”
But even that, of all things, didn’t confound her. “What’s your aim, then?”
“My aim?”
“Yes, your intent for what to do with your feelings for him. Your vision for what your life looks like on the other side of this trial. What happens after the annulment?”
“I will keep serving him until he sends me away.”
“You said that you felt contempt for him, is that right?”
“Not anymore. Not for a long time. I thought he was weak—careless, flighty, negligent. I was wrong. I admire him. I trust him. He is a good man, and he tries to be better. He cares fiercely, and I believe he would give a place at his hearth to nearly anyone who asked.”
“Are your feelings for him another burden?”
“One that I have chosen to bear.” He paused. “But I would not want to inflict them on him. I know this is an ill-fated path I have taken. You can say it. I’m dooming myself to heartbreak.”
She sighed and topped up her tea. “I cannot tell you whether a path you take is wise or ill. I cannot tell you what to do with your feelings. I am here to ask you questions that you might not think to ask yourself, and to hear you when no one else might be able to. But several of the things you have said suggest to me that you find certain things difficult. What do you feel when you think of being vulnerable to someone?”
“In what way?”
“Amongst your burdens, you mentioned that His Highness was required to rescue you, as you could not rescue yourself. And you’ve said just now that you think yours is an ill-fated path.”
“He will marry someone else. I will be jealous. I will keep it to myself for his sake, for the sake of serving him. I will be unhappy.”
“And yet knowing all this, seeing your future so clearly, you still choose this path,” she said. “I wonder why.”
“Even a day by his side is worth a lifetime of misery.”
“So poets and lovers have said since the dawn of time. You said you wouldn’t want to burden him with your feelings. Am I to guess that you have not told him any of this?”
“No. Why would I?”
“What are his feelings toward you?”
“He is kind to me. He is a good and worthy lord. He feels the proper obligations to me.” Evemer couldn’t stop a slight, wry smile. “He has very strong feelings about reciprocity. Fealty goes both ways, he says.”
“Is that all?”
There was no need to squirm, not in front of a temple aunt—she would not be embarrassed or shocked, and she would not scold him for lewd thoughts. “He . . . wants me. As I want him. But we have been very careful, because of the annulment.”
There had been moments, the last few days, unbearable, scorching moments that drove Evemer to distraction to think of them. The night before, they’d pulled each other onto the divan, half-tangled together, and Kadou had put his mouth to Evemer’s ear and whispered about what might count as sex, and the loopholes of what mightnot quite count,and—and Evemer had made himself pull away through what felt like a superhuman act of will even while he felt like he was going to die of want.
And then there were soft, quiet moments too, which made him ache in an entirely different way—Kadou carding his fingers through Evemer’s hair, lacing their hands together. Every time he touched or kissed Kadou, no matter how chaste, it was harder to tear himself away.
“Is he as loyal to you as you are to him?”
