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“Yes.” Kadou sealed the letter—indigo wax, a firm push of the brass seal (a touch-taste of the rattling sensation of a carriage rolling over cobblestones, the sound of a shovel thrust into soft earth, the color of leaves in fall), a streak of silver dust dabbed across it with his fingertip (just a flash of crunching snow and white tea). “And?”
“I’m afraid of giving the game away too soon.”
Kadou snorted. “What, by smirking or something? Looking as smug as someone who just got his cock sucked in the palace gardens? You? Famously impassive Evemer Mahisti-es?”
Evemer ducked his head, hiding a smile in Kadou’s shoulder. “I don’t want to risk it.”
“You’ll have to show your face in front of her sometime.” He handed over the letter.
“I’ll have my composure back by then.”
“What about the next time I have to tell her that I’m not marrying some nice boy she’s found for me?”
“We’ll see.” Evemer dropped another kiss on his neck and stood. “Are you nervous about talking to her?”
Kadou thought, looking inward, prodding at the places the fear-creature lurked around the edges of his mind. “Yes and no. I don’t know yet. If it comes upon me, it’ll be sudden, probably right in front of her door.”
“You might think of asking for an unburdening, you know.”
Kadou laughed. “What have I to unburden myself about?”
Evemer shrugged. “Just a thought. Aunt Mihrimah would look into your eyes and very kindly force you to talk about why you think you’re a coward, and when she’s done beating you against a washing board, she’ll give you tea and hang you up to dry.”
“Is that the sort of thing she did to you, the day you came back and said you felt like laundry?” Kadou said. “What do you mean, why IthinkI’m a coward?”
Evemer gave him a flat look.
“I had an attack last night,” Kadou said. “So it’s not like it’s just gone away. Itdoesn’t. It’s always there in the back of my mind.”
“Yes,” Evemer said. “And?”
“So I think there’s more evidence than just meimaginingthat I’m a coward.”
“And there’s a great deal more that says you’re not. Like taking down a counterfeiting ring, or every time you stayed to save my life, or the way you’re facing the very real possibility of cataclysmic scandal and conflict just to keep me.”
Kadou blinked. Frowned at him, puzzled. “You think I’m not scared?”
“I think you’d be a fool if you weren’t.”
“Are you?”
“Yes and no,” Evemer said calmly. “I’d follow you to the ends of the earth. I have nothing to lose, except you. But my fear is different from yours.”
“Maybe because you’re not a coward.”
Evemer sighed. “Whatever it is, it’s not cowardice. You just get in your own way sometimes. Think about the unburdening.”
“I don’t know that it would help.”
“All right. I’m going to go back sometime. Since I have to learn to be talkative, I might as well practice.” He bent to lay another kiss just on Kadou’s temple. “I’ll come back here as soon as I’ve finished at the garrison,” Evemer said softly. “Straight back.”
Kadou nodded absently, then sat up suddenly. “Actually, can I send you on another errand?”
“Where?”
“The palace jeweler.” He reached into his pocket. “I want these made into something—bracelets or rings, or . . . Well, whatever you think is best. Two of them.” Evemer held out his hands, and Kadou gave him the hinge pins, his fingertips singing with the touch-taste of iron.
Kadou eyed his armsman as they headed back to Zeliha’s chambers. Tadek was adept enough with his crutches now that he was nearly as swift as Kadou’s regular walking speed, though he’d mentioned that the doctors expected him to be limping for most of a year while the slashed muscles in his calf healed.
