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If his lord thought Evemer didn’t want to go to the public houses again, and if Eozena for some reason wasn’t available, then he would very likely take Tadek. For all Tadek’s faults, the man could at least lie and keep secrets, and he’d proven that he had a quick tongue, a vicious wit, and a willingness to turn them to His Highness’s defense.
But Evemer didn’t want Tadek to be the one to accompany His Highness. He didn’t want it to be Commander Eozena either. He didn’t like either of those thoughts at all—which was nonsensical, at least for the latter one, because if he had wanted Kadou to be safe, then the commander was without a doubt the person who could best accomplish that goal.
He turned his thoughts firmly away from that. His lord had expressed a wish for his behavior. Such a command, even an implicit one, could not be disobeyed.
“I’m not good at being open,” Evemer therefore said, with some difficulty. “Or expressing myself.”
“You’re very expressive,” Kadou said, which wasn’t a word Evemer had ever heard used to describe himself. Kadou crossed his arms, more as if he were guarding himself than closing off from Evemer in anger. “But sometimes it’s too complicated to parse.”
“My lord,” Evemer said reflexively. Kadou quirked one eyebrow; Evemer cleared his throat. “I mean, my apologies. I shall endeavor to—”
“You don’thaveto change,” Kadou said. “If that’s how you are, then that’s how you are. But . . .” He stopped himself, sighed. “I just wish sometimes that you’d spell it out. But I shouldn’t ask. You don’t deserve to be burdened with my awkwardness.”
“I don’t dislike you, my lord,” Evemer blurted.
After a very long, horrible moment, Kadou turned to face him, arms still crossed. “I’m glad to hear it,” he said. “Is it true?”
“I wouldn’t lie to you.”Spell it out,Evemer told himself. “And Ishallbe offended if you imply that I would, my lord.”
“You didn’t like me before.”
And he’d just backed himself into a corner now, hadn’t he? He had just said that he wouldn’t lie to his lord—nor could he dissemble, nor evade answering.
“I was wrong. As I said before, I fell to the temptation of gossip and did not do my due diligence to confirm facts for myself. I should have done better by my oaths as a kahya. I should have trusted the people I respect and their good opinions of you, my lord.” Another long moment passed in silence. “I was acquainted with Balaban and Gülpasa. I was angry that they were dead.”
Kadou’s face fell. “You have the right to your anger,” he whispered. “Are you angry still?”
“I mourn that their deaths were wasted on a useless misunderstanding. They deserved better. But they thought they were laying down their lives for the person they were oathsworn to protect, and I honor and respect that sacrifice.” Evemer wished he were the type to allow himself to fidget, so that he might have some outward expression of his inner conflict. “I’m sorry, my lord, that I thought their deaths didn’t matter to you.”
“They did. Of course they did.” Kadou looked away. “I hated writing the letters of condolence to their families, you know.I’m so very sorryseemed so cheap and thin.”
There was silence between them for a time. Evemer wished—he wished . . .
He wished he had anything to say that wouldn’t sound cruel or harsh or haughty. He wished he knew how to alleviate this hurt, to offer some small . . . something. Comfort did not seem to be the right word. Shelter, perhaps, as if he could stand over his lord and hold a cloak spread over his arms to protect him from the winds and rains of despair. Shelter, or solace.
“My lord,” he said. “If you are set on going back down to the city, I would not rest easy unless I was there with you. But I understand if you prefer Eozena. She is more skilled than I am.”
“I would not rest easy if I thought I was putting you into a situation you are uncomfortable with.”
Evemer looked him in the eye, stung. “Are you implying I’d let fear get in the way of my service? You don’t seem to be afraid to go back, and you’re the one who calls himself a coward.”
Oh, no. Oh, he hadn’t meant to speak so bluntly. All he’d meant to say wasmy lord. What was happening to him, that he had so lost control of his own tongue?
But Kadou only looked surprised, and something in his face seemed to relax, like a door slowly cracked open. All he said was, “Iama coward.”
“My lord,” Evemer said, keeping a tight hold on his treacherous tongue.
“Oh, by all Usmim’s trials, speak plainly if you’ve got something to say!”
“Your Highness nearly got killed last night and you’re ready to run right back out tonight,” Evemer said, stiff and careful. “I only wonder if that is what a coward would do.”
“I have to! Regardless of my feelings, I have to!”
“Why?”
“There’s no one else,” Kadou said, his voice cracking a little. “Three kahyalar arrested, and more than that involved—people who should have been bound to their oaths with their lives. Eozena is occupied with the garrison so that she can ensure that Her Majesty and Eyne are protected, so who else is there? Who else can I trust with this but myself? Who else can I trust to protectme,besides you?”
Evemer felt a hard lump come into his throat. “Do you, my lord?” he asked quietly. “Even after last night? After I—”
