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“Do you wish for me to leave, Your Highness?”
“Do you want to leave right now? Do you want anything from me that I can give?”
Tadek went still and quiet again. “I don’t know,” he said, and then: “I want you to be angry with me.”
“Why?”
“I just do.”
Kadou looked up, then. Tadek stood there, his hazel eyes blazing, his hands loose at his sides but his shoulders squared and tense. Kadou got to his feet—his knees were weak with nerves, but he forced them to work so he could step close in front to Tadek and look straight in his eyes. “You still have a place in my home and at my hearth,” he said softly. “You willalwayshave that. You will always belong. You will always be mine—at least until you tell me you don’t want that anymore. Until that day, you are my armsman and you are sworn to me, so I’m going to try to take care of you now, because that’s whatIswore to do. If you don’t like it, then you have permission to shove me or hit me. Whatever you like.” He waited a beat. Tadek didn’t move. Kadou took another half step forward and wrapped his arms around his armsman, the person who was closest to being his friend, hugging him as Tadek himself had so often done for him when he was set upon by terrors.
Tadek was warm and familiar. He smelled like comfort, an easing of worries, affection. It was a scent that called up sense memories of quiet laughter in the dark, of fingers brushing back a stray lock of his hair and tucking it behind his ear before drawing him close into warmth, of kisses pressed to his forehead and cheeks, of unspoken jokes shared with a single twinkling glance, of strong arms holding him so tightly that even the fear-creature in the back of his mind seemed feeble by comparison.
Tadek’s head lowered onto his shoulder.
“I chose to save you,” Kadou said softly. He tilted his head to rest against the side of Tadek’s so that his lips moved against Tadek’s hair as he spoke. “And you chose to let Her Majesty lay your life in my hands. You took oaths, and I did too, and thosematter. I want you to think about them, and if you feel like I have trampled on them, then tell me and I’ll do what I can to make it right.”
“A place in your home, a place at your hearth,” Tadek mumbled.
“Yours for as long as you want them,” Kadou said again. “You belong.”
Tadek’s arms came around his waist, slow and loose. They stood there for several long moments, long enough for Kadou’s shaking to fade and ease its grip on him.
At last, Tadek pulled away with an inhale that wasn’t quite a sniffle. Kadou let him go, his arms falling slowly until his hands rested on Tadek’s arms. “Well,” Tadek said, forcing a lightness into his voice that Kadou hated to hear. “This has all been embarrassing, hasn’t it? Made a bit of a mess of things, haven’t I.”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Tadek smiled.
“Don’t start pretending you’re fine. Don’t pretend it’s nothing.”
“Please let me pretend it’s nothing,” Tadek said, still airy. “You’ve already deconstructed me down to my foundations. The least you can do is let me walk out of here having saved some face.”
Kadou subsided. “Right. Sorry.”
“It’s not in your oaths that you have to act like a priest helping me through an unburdening. That’s too much to ask.” Kadou wouldn’t have known where to start with that anyway—he’d never been offered an unburdening, and he only vaguely knew what it entailed. Long talks in a quiet room with a dedicate of Usmim, laying out your heart and your troubles for her to inspect and interrogate, because supposedly that helped you feel better. “I think,” Tadek said, “I think I might go to the temple, while you’re out tonight. See if I can—” He stopped, swallowed. “See if there’s anyone there to unburden myself to, or else try to do it alone. Lay things out and take a hard look at myself.”
“I’m sorry,” Kadou said again, squeezing Tadek’s arms where his hands still rested on them, for Tadek hadn’t yet pulled away entirely. “I’m sorry for hurting you, and for . . . deconstructing you. Did I speak too bluntly?”
Tadek did pull away then with another inhale that wasn’t quite a sniff. “No, no, it’s nothing. Sometimes you don’t see yourself properly until someone says something outrageous, so we’ll count it as a learning moment and we won’t speak of it again, eh?” His easy smile cracked. “I’d already had a bit of that epiphany anyway. After the incident, after I was made your armsman. I’d already started thinking maybe I’d wasted my . . .” He stopped, shook his head sharply. “No, never mind. You have places to go and counterfeiters to catch. I won’t trouble you any more tonight.”
“Tadek,” Kadou said, when Tadek was at the door, his hand on the knob. Tadek stopped, but didn’t turn. “I meant it. I want to make it right if I can.” He took a breath. “We’re not going to sleep together again. But—I value you, and I’m glad to have you here. Thank you for all your service.”
Tadek shot another quick smile over his shoulder, all his walls built right back up—he had as many as Evemer did, Kadou realized. He’d just done a better job of convincing everyone that they weren’t there. Perhaps he’d even convinced himself. “As I said, it’s an honor. Everything has been worth it.”
On the walk down the Palace Road, Evemer noticed His Highness was unsettled. His hands weren’t shaking, and he wasn’t overly pale, but something was off.
“Highness, are you well?”
“Yes.”
Well. That settled that.
When they reached the bottom of the cliff, Melek hung back twenty or thirty paces so as not to appear like çe was one of Kadou’s guards. Halfway down the Lifeblood, Evemer couldn’t help but ask again: “My lord, are you sure you’re well?” He should have saidsir—he always said sir when they were out in the city.
“I’m fine,” Kadou said. And then: “Sorry, I’m just thinking.”
He clearly didn’t wish to be pestered about it. Evemer resolved to let it lie, though it rankled him.
