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"Sister Inessa, you've missed lunch. Is everything okay?" Sister Ruth asks me.
"Ah, yes, I was feeling a bit unwell earlier, thought I'd lay down for a bit until I felt better. I didn't expect to go to sleep for so long. I'll let mother superior know that I'll finish my chores this evening." I smile at the two ladies.
"No, we've already done them for you. Even Mother Superior knows that you're not one to sleep through the day unless something was wrong. We figured you weren't feeling well. Do you need to eat something now? Are you famished?" Sister Joan says, and I shake my head no.
"I'm okay. I think I'll let my stomach stay settled for a little while before I jump right back in to getting something to eat." I step out into the hall with them and close my door behind me.
I know I didn't use anything to masturbate with, but for some reason I feel like by them just looking inside my room, they'd be able to tell what I was in there doing earlier in the day. I didn't want that type of humiliation.
"Okay, well we were going to start packing up for the trip tomorrow. Did you want to keep us company?" Sister Ruth asks, and I find myself in need of some community at the moment.
"Yes. I'd really like that. I figure I get as much socialization as I can since I'll be all alone for the week.”
"You know one of us will stay with you if you wanted us too."
I pat her arm and give her a tight smile, "Of course I know you will, There's no need, truly. In fact, I may take this time to do some deep self reflection. Now that I'm on a new leg of my journey, I need to look into myself and make sure that I'm still doing the right thing for my faith. You know how it is." I squint at the both of them and they both nod their heads without actually taking their eyes off me.
We make it to sister Joan's room first, and I see that she has one small suitcase and it's laid out on her bed.
I sit in the corner while the two of them start to put her things away, and I think about what happened earlier.
Why had it been so hard to erase the thoughts from my mind? Why had the desire to feel a male touch been so strong at that one moment? I was on birth control that stopped my horrid periods, but maybe some of the hormones that were running through me are the cause of this?
Even though my birth mother never really cared about me or our sister she did do her best to make sure that we were taken care off. Private schooling, up-to-date physicals, mentorship from some influential people, but out of all that not one of them told me what to expect when it came to a woman wanting to be with a man. I really wish I had someone to talk to right now about it. Someone I knew wouldn't judge me for what many might consider a backslide.
Sister Ruth stepped out of the room to go to her own to find out if she had an extra vanity bag for Sister Joan to have.
Sister Joan may not have been closer to me than any of the other sisters, but she never seemed to look down on me or where I came from, if anything she was a bit indifferent towards me.
"Sister Joan, may I speak with you about something?"
Her eyes dart to mine and her brow furrow slightly.
"Of course."
"It's nothing important, just wondered if you'd give me a little advice, maybe talk to me about your experiences." I can feel the apprehension building up. I didn't want to do this. Not at all.
"Go on, there is nothing that you can ask me that one of us hasn't already asked." She smiles at me and sits down on the bed next to me with a hand on mine. She gives it a little encouraging squeeze before she pulls it away.
"I know that you've been with the order for a number of years now, when you started did you ever find it difficult to control your inappropriate thoughts?" I ask, my voice getting smaller and smaller with each word that left my mouth.
"Inappropriate, what do you mean by that? Be a little more specific if you can."
I wring my hands in my lap and curse myself for even thinking that I should open my mouth about anything that happened earlier, but it's too late now. I'd already brought it up I might as well finish up with what I'm trying to say.
I let out a deep breath and continue. "Thoughts of desire? Lust?"
"Ahh." She gives me a smile and then gets up to go back to folding her clothing. "Inessa, you are a woman of faith, are you not?"
"Yes, of course. To my bones, I am." I tell her instantly, trying to make sure she isn't thinking that I'm trying to look for a way out of the order because that's not what I want at all. This church has basically saved me from myself I don't ever want to give that up.
"I believe it. But just because you're a woman of faith doesn't mean you stop being just a woman as well. Desire, rage, envy, lust, all of these emotions are what we are made up of. It may lay dormant or buried deep for some more than others, but they are all still there. If anyone here tells you that they have never had a lustful thought, I'd ask them to go tell that story to God and see what he makes of their stores. It's perfectly normal for you to have those thoughts as long as they don't overtake who you are, and you don't break your vows. Don't act on them, and you'll be just fine." Sister Joan says, and I swear I can feel the weight being lifted off my shoulder.
"Really? You believe that"
"Absolutely." She gives me a bright smile, and I jump up off the bed with a new energy to help her fold her clothing. Knowing that I'm not going against what the norm is makes me feel much better. In fact, now when a picture of Mr. Reese comes to mind I don't cringe at the thought but instead welcome it. He's a gorgeous man, and he made me feel alive, even if it was for that one moment.
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