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“Mom…how come you aren’t saying anything…or walking over…” He trailed off, slumping his shoulders in defeat as he seemingly connected the dots.
“I’m just overwhelmed, buddy.” I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and darted across the room, cutting the space in half. “Of course I’m excited to see Ryan.”
I would lie and lie and lie if it meant my little boy didn’t have to live through another one of my breakups.
“You are?” Cole looked up; his little cheeks had already started to flush, and his blue eyes were already beginning to blur. My heart punched through me at a sickening pace.
“I am.” I stood a foot away from Ryan, trying to calm my rapid pulse.
Ryan finally seemed to understand what I was doing and that I hadn’t actually told my kids we were broken up; he stepped closer, wrapping his arm around me.
“We talk so often, sometimes it feels like I’ve been here the whole time,” Ryan joked, squeezing me to his side.
That was the wrong thing to say to Cole, and now this entire thing would blow up in our faces.
“But you said he hadn’t called. I asked you almost every day if he called and you always told me he couldn’t talk.” Cole stepped away from us, his lower lip trembling as his eyes filled with tears.
Lurching forward, I bent low to stop him from running away, but I was too slow.
“Cole, wait…I can explain,” I yelled as my son darted up the stairs and slammed the guest room door.
My face burned, my heart ached, and my tongue felt too big for my mouth. I didn’t want to talk about how horrible of a mother I obviously was. Instead, I moved away from Ryan, who’d finally let Belle down, and pulled her up into my arms.
“Do you think he can stay here tonight? Something tells me he’ll want to be here.”
“Of course, honey.” Gloria stroked my hair, a common habit of hers, and then rubbed my shoulder in encouragement. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay too? I can get us all set up in my room for the night, have a girls night.”
Gloria had an amazing room, full of all the most amazing comforts you could ever find. Her bed was a massive California king, and she had more throw pillows than royalty, I was sure. She had the most comfortable couch and deep armchairs, along with the cutest hanging lights strung all along her ceiling in different directions. With a movie playing and all those twinkle lights on, it always felt magical whenever we curled up in there together.
“You know I’d normally love to…” I dipped my head, trying to gain strength. “But I think Belle and I need to head home tonight.” I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that my artificial safety net, my pretend family belonged to the man who’d broken my heart. All I wanted to do was cry in the arms of this woman who’d help heal me in so many ways, but she belonged to someone else. I hated admitting that he might need her more.
Belle was already half asleep on my shoulder as I tiptoed up the stairs. I heard Gloria and Ryan murmuring as I left them behind. I didn’t know what Ryan’s face was doing or what he was thinking because I refused to look at him.
I rapped the door with my knuckles in soft succession, hoping my son would forgive me.
“Cole?”
Nothing. I waited, wanting to let him come to me; I already knew he likely wouldn’t. This was the second time I had ruined his chance at having a father figure in his life; it wasn’t my fault, but I knew I could have told Ryan about Logan and the kiss much earlier in our relationship, knowing he was insecure about it.
I spoke through the closed door. “Do you want to stay the night? I’m headed home with Belle…but if you want to stay, you can.”
There was one thing my son valued when he was upset. He hated anyone seeing him cry. He hated it so much he’d shut down on principle. I knew in this house with so many ears, he didn’t want to have a scene with me, or to yell or scream because he’d cry.
“Yes please” came through the wood as my son responded.
My heart clenched tight as I resisted the urge to push the door open and hold him, ask him to forgive me for lying to him, tell him how sorry I was. I hated this distance, this gap. I was so good at ruining the relationships around me; I supposed I had never considered that I could ruin what I had with my own son.
“Okay, I love you,” I whispered. I waited a breath then turned around to leave.
I kept my tears at bay as I quickly walked from the stairs to the front of the house. I didn’t dare go back and say goodbye to Gloria or Gary…I’d see them tomorrow, hopefully once their son was gone. Once I was near the front, I bent down to grab Bell’s shoes and mine then shuffled outside into the freezing cold night.
I was working fast, hoping to avoid any contact with Ryan, but I wasn’t fast enough. Two strong hands took Belle from me as I swung the back passenger door open.
“Ryan, just…don’t,” I scolded, keeping my view anywhere but on him.
“Move, Bex. Let me put her in—she’s dead weight and you’re barefoot.” He moved closer, pushing me aside as he situated my daughter into her seat.
I stared at his back as anger bubbled inside me like a poison.
