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13
Every timeone of my kids laughed, it felt like a small mallet was slamming into my chest. Ryan had made them so happy by taking them for burgers and ice cream, something I hadn’t been able to do for the kids in a long time. We went to their favorite spot, which also happened to be a tourist obsession.
Dandy’s had maybe five hard backed booths inside, but with the amount of people in and out of the establishment, it was always better to eat outside. Our picnic table was moderately distanced from the others, but it didn’t stop prying eyes or phones from swinging toward us. My stomach churned with anxiety as we ate and tried to enjoy our time, but every time I saw a whispered conversation, it would just remind me that Ryan wasn’t the man I’d once known.
He was a celebrity now; he had money, status, over fifteen million followers on Photogram, and at least three trending titles on one of the world’s largest streaming services. He’d had work done on his crooked smile, his nose, and Lord knows what else. He was a totally different person than the guy I’d known ten years earlier, and no matter how much my stomach fluttered when he glanced at me with a familiar hunger in his eyes or how often he bought my kids random, thoughtful gifts, I had to remember this wouldn’t last.
Our evening was coming to a close as Ryan pulled back into my driveway. The kids were still chatting a million miles a minute about movie magic and how he’d played a superhero in that one film. I smiled and nodded, playing the part, but my mind was racing toward the end of the night, where Ryan would talk to me on the porch and maybe leave our lives forever.
“Can we watch it tonight?” Cole asked as we headed inside.
“That’s up to your mom.” Ryan laughed, helping Cole the last few steps. Bella was once again plastered to the celebrity’s chest, her little arms wrapped around his neck. Ryan moved with ease while holding her, like he’d been born to do it… like he’d done it his entire life.
“You guys can watch whatever you can agree on. I need to talk to Ryan outside for a bit.” I smiled, hoping to encourage them. My stomach was a tangled mess of nerves while I turned on the television and clicked around the menu options. The kids both shouted out their desired titles until we settled on something. Ryan watched the kids snuggle in, Bella getting under a blanket, near Cole’s elevated leg; his face was so peaceful, like watching them made him feel at peace.
I turned away, just like I had earlier when I witnessed how he looked at my kids, and I headed for the front porch. I had a string of outdoor LED lights hanging around the interior of my porch roof, creating a dreamy glow. As far as seating options, there was just the hanging swing, so we'd both be on it, unless he didn’t want to sit with me. I sat down first so I didn’t have to endure the aforementioned awkwardness.
Ryan came out a second later, shutting the door behind him. He shrugged out of his blazer and folded it over his arm. It left him in just his navy blue, V-neck t-shirt that wrapped around his toned arms and torso like a second skin.
He slowly sat down on the swing, pushing his left leg in front of him, kicking the right slightly behind. His masculine scent draped around me, cradling me in old memories and happier times, back when we were…
“So, where do we begin?” Ryan started, cutting off my thoughts.
I whipped my face to the side to inspect his expression, unsure why it mattered; I just wanted to know that he wanted to be here. I had been almost positive he was going to cancel our dinner tonight; since he’d followed through with it and now this, I wasn’t sure what to think.
“I guess at the beginning?” I offered, pulling my knees into my chest.
I hadn’t faced this part of my past in so long. Even when Logan would talk about or mention Ryan, I’d never fully allow myself to think about it.
“That night I came to your dorm room…and I told you about the pregnancy,” I started, feeling shallow, hollow breaths assault my lungs. I hated this part…
Ryan swung us by shifting his boot back and forth, his left arm inching closer to my side of the swing with every motion.
“I guess, I just… You were so upset, and the way you accused me of planning it, of tricking you…” My voice had muted to a whisper. The pain from this memory was too much. “I think in order to understand why it mattered that you went there with your words, you’d need to understand that I truly considered football to be the greatest threat to our relationship.”
“What?” Ryan scoffed, just like I knew he would.
“Just hear me out,” I requested, relishing that we’d gotten past this once; we weren’t still living in the painful moment. “I was so in love with you, Ryan…but I knew football came first. You told me that in the beginning. You said you could fall in love with me, even marry me, but football would always hold first place in your heart.”
Ryan’s grunted response was confirmation that he remembered saying that. I should have left then, but I had already been a goner. My mother’s face always came back when I considered why I had made the decision to leave.
“So, I stayed, thinking I could make you love me more than football. I was sure we were meant to be, and I was sure that even if you did go pro, you’d take me with you. You wouldn’t leave me behind…so then I thought you could have both.” I swallowed the golf-ball-sized lump of anxiety as I went on with the rest of my story.
“That weekend we were in Canada…when your friend, Jack Hammer, took us up to his family’s cabin last minute…remember?”
Ryan kept his eyes down on his legs as he nodded, his lips drawn into a firm line as he rocked and listened.
“We didn’t take anything with us, and you kept saying it would be fine because we could pick something up there. We joked about how the size of that condom you purchased at that market felt off somehow…anyway, I don’t know what happened. All I know is several weeks later, I was peeing onto a stick and that little plastic window said pregnant. I didn’t lie to you. I gave it to you in that Ziplock bag so you’d know I was telling the truth.”
“I knew you weren’t lying,” Ryan chided.
You’re lying. You said you were on birth control—how could you do this to me?
If he didn’t want to revisit what he’d said, I wouldn’t either.
“You said you needed time. After we got into that fight…you said to give you time. But what I realized on my way home that night was your response was the confirmation I was looking for regarding the whole football situation. I had been deluding myself by thinking you’d ever choose me first. I was an idiot,” I explained, bringing my hand to my heart.
“So, you dropped the bomb that you’re pregnant on a twenty-year-old guy, one who’d only ever wanted to go pro with his football career, and then instead of giving him time to process it, you decided to just leave?” Ryan accused with a slight rasp in his tone.
