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“No, just listen.” He closed his eyes, flaring his nostrils. “All these years, I thought of what I would say to you if I saw you again. I thought maybe this life, this fame I had now…the money, that it would make you…” He shook his head, clenching that granite jaw, and I …I was fighting back tears.
“That it would make me regret leaving you?” I responded in a hoarse whisper.
Ryan kept his head down, but I didn’t miss the subtle way he gently nodded.
“All this”—I waved my hand around the room—“only makes me want distance from you. I regretted leaving you the moment I did it. I haven’t…” I searched his chest for the words I was looking for. I didn’t want to tell him I’d been waiting or pining, or say I wouldn’t commit to Logan because of him. It wouldn’t be fair, but why did he care about this anymore anyway? He had more than moved on with his life.
“Look, you’ll just have to trust me. I regretted leaving you…but at the same time I didn’t. I wanted you to have your dream, and after that night, I realized I wasn’t it.”
“You didn’t give me time to realize anything,” he said through clenched teeth, his eyes cold and unrelenting.
“I told you I was pregnant…if your first response wasn’t to pull me into your arms and tell me how happy you were then that was answer enough. No amount of time was going to change that, and it wasn’t my place to force that on you.” My tone rose slightly as I spoke.
“I was twenty fucking years old!” he seethed.
“So was I and I loved you! You were my dream, that baby was my dream…but I…”
“So, what, I’m the bad guy because I had a dream outside of just you?” Ryan’s voice shuddered just the slightest bit, and I hated that we were doing this.
I hated fighting with him.
“No, it’s just…”
“What then? Because it’s shitty of you to pin that on me. You talk about all this first choice and second choice bullshit, but guess what? The world doesn’t revolve around you, Bex. You can’t be with someone because you aren’t first on their list? Tough shit. Grow up.” He stepped back, running his hand through his hair manically. His chest heaved up and down with heavy breaths.
Mine barely moved in response, frozen from the inside out by what he’d said. I had to remember that he didn’t know the scars he’d just run that blade over and why it was so tender. He had no idea how deep that pool of pain went, so I couldn’t exactly hold it against him.
But still…
“Fuck you, Ryan.” I stepped around him. “I didn’t pin anything on you.” I angrily tore the pillow out of his hand.
“Then what were you doing? Because that’s exactly how it felt.” He eyed the pillow I’d just snagged with an icy stare.
“I didn’t want that for my life. I didn’t want to be someone’s second choice. I didn’t want to be the greatest regret in your life, and if you had given up football for me, I would have been. So, call it what you want, but I stand by my decision to leave!” I yelled back, my accent peeking through, making me want to cry for entirely different reasons.
I hated the place that had made me who I was. Fuckinghatedit.
“Well, for the record…it didn’t end up making a difference…” He trailed off then turned in a slow circle, bringing his hands to his waist. “It turned out I couldn’t have football if I didn’t have you. I remember every single game, I’d check the stands for you. I know that’s stupid because I couldn’t see much anyway, but I still did it. Every game. I always wondered if you’d see me on television and come find me. But you never did, and that day I got injured…up on the kiss cam, they’d shown this woman who looked so much like you, and it messed with me. Had me wondering if it was you and you could have just changed that much in a year. I wasn’t paying attention and the next thing I know, I was getting tackled the wrong way.”
Oh shit.
My college-aged heart squeezed tight at the image, at how painful that hit must have been.
I took a step closer, putting my hand on his bicep. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I was trying to protect my heart, and in the process, I obliterated yours. I don’t know how to fix it…or if it even matters anymore, but I want you to know that I do regret hurting you. I wish it could have been different for us both.”
His fingers wrapped around mine, tugging me until I was flush against his chest. Those massive arms banded around my back, holding me in place as he tucked me under his chin.
“It still matters, Bex. It will always matter.”
I inhaled his scent, trying so hard to keep my emotions tucked away from this moment.
“Bexley?” he rumbled, soft and dark.
“Mhmmm,” I responded, still not able to speak for fear of sobbing.
“Why does your ex hate me so much?”
I opened my eyes; I’d shut them to enjoy the soft feel of his skin against my face and the warmth from his body. “What do you mean?”
