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18
The next day,I was sitting in my office listening to the sound of the kids splashing in the small pool out back. I was attempting to work on a design project, but I was having a hard time focusing. The screen kept fading, going in and out of focus as I pictured my son’s face when he’d heard Ryan’s offer to go camping.
Memories of the last time we’d gone together as a family danced along the edges of my mind: smiles lit up by flickering light, gooey smores, burnt hot dogs with too much ketchup. My eyes misted as I ached for what we’d once had, what I’d given up. I hated that I hadn’t been able to hold on for my kids. They deserved to have a happy family, a mother and father who loved each other.
Had I given up on Logan too soon? Had I given up on something that could have been good? I could have hung in there for the kids, at least until they were out of school. I did love Logan—he just wasn’t the great love of my life. I was selfish, and because of that, my children were suffering; I owed them.
So, regardless of how terrified I was to consider letting Ryan back into my life in such a momentous way, if he wanted to give these kids a fun summer to remember, who was I to stop it? Why shouldn’t they have someone want to spoil them rotten and spend time with them? Something their own father wasn’t generous with.
Grabbing my cell, I opened the texting app and finalized my thoughts.
Me: Hey, is the camping offer still open?
I set the phone aside, too nervous to see if he’d ignore me. I shouldn’t have cared; I hated that I did. The fact that my belly simmered with old fear and fresh awe was proof that I wasn’t ready to go anywhere with him overnight.Again.
A soft chime echoed from the side of the table as laughter continued to filter in through the windows. I grabbed my cell, wishing the smile cresting my face wasn’t there, wishing this didn’t make me happy and unleash winged creatures of delight inside my chest.
Ryan: You know it is
Me: Count us in…when did you want to leave?
Seconds passed where his texting dots appeared and then stopped, making my gut twist.
Ryan: You serious?
I could almost picture that smile breaking up the dark clouds always hanging around him. The Ryan I’d known before was always happy, offering that smile to everyone he knew; now he seemed to keep it to himself unless a camera was being shoved in his face or…or my kids were around.
Me: Yeah. I have the weekend off, guess my boss felt bad that they had me vacuum the courts when newbies usually get a slow introduction to it.
Ryan: Good, I’m glad. That was some bullshit anyway. Do you have any gear?
I smiled, knowing this was so stupid, but I couldn’t help myself.
Me: Come check it out and we can make a list.
Ryan: Okay, I’ll be there in twenty.
It took exactly twenty minutes to get to my house from his place if there wasn’t traffic, which meant he was dropping everything to come over here, and more importantly, he didn’t have plans that involved dates or beautiful women.
Now I just had to find a way to explain this development to my best friend.
* * *
“You sure you’reokay with this?” Ryan asked as he carefully maneuvered the long drive in front of us.
I tilted my eyes up, trying to reassure him, but truthfully, I was a mess.
“It’s fine. I just haven’t seen them in so long, and I’m sure they aren’t my biggest fans.” His parents hated me; I was sure of it. I had left their son after telling him I was pregnant. Sure, if our baby had made it, I would have let him know and allowed him to be involved, but I had been wrong about how I’d handled it.
“They were always fans of yours.” Ryan smiled easily, relaxing in the seat as we crested the driveway. The house was massive, all windows and whitewashed stone with black iron work along the outside. Green grass stretched out along either side of the house, and there was a small lake just a few hundred feet from the side porch.
“Whoa…this is where you grew up?” Cole asked from the back.
Ryan laughed, and on instinct, I answered for him, unsure why his truth was already on the tip of my tongue.
“No, Ryan grew up in a much smaller house, more humble roots. This…this must be what he bought for his parents.” I couldn’t tear my eyes from the beautiful house.
“Your mom’s right—I grew up in a much smaller house with almost no property. Still, it was great. Nothing to be ashamed of…we grew up happy.” Ryan looked over at me and gave me an easy smile that made my toes curl. He had smiled at me like that back when we were in college, and it’d always made me feel like I was his entire universe, which was exactly what had made me fight so hard to ensure that future for myself.
