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19
Straightening the tarp,I secured the walkway into our tent. My parents had a massive eight-man tent with room dividers and a spacious area for standing. I’d asked Bexley if I could set it up while she relaxed with the kids by the water. She’d given me a tight smile and nodded. Our trip up to my family’s secret spot had been full of kids music and conversation from the back seat. Nothing had transpired between Bexley and me.
My grip on the steering wheel had been tight, my voice strained, and when we stopped for coffee, I didn’t even look at her when I asked for her order. I kept expecting her to throw a tantrum and demand I take her and the kids back home. I assumed she’d just want to call it off with how obvious I was in my wrath toward her, but she hadn’t. She’d been quiet and introspective, but not angry.
I wondered if that was how she’d been with Logan. If, to appease the kids, she had hid her feelings, silenced her voice…keeping the boat afloat without making waves. I hated that she was doing it with me now. I wanted her to yell, to fight; I wanted her to be the Bexley she hadn’t been ten years earlier. Although, that wasn’t entirely fair. I had been so quick to assume…
It was partially why I’d asked if I could set the tent up…I needed time to get my head on straight and stop being a dick. I didn’t want to spend the weekend fighting with Bexley.
Putting on the finishing touches, I finally turned and headed toward the lake to get Bexley and the kids. The fact that this spot was secret meant it wasn’t frequented by a ranger, or really anyone for that matter. On rare occasions, we’d see someone crawling over the hill, accessible only via four-wheel drive, hence why I’d left my luxury SUV at my parents’ and taken my dad’s truck.
Trudging down the dusty hill, I looked out at the water, loving the sense of calm that came over me. As a child, this had been the place that was always happy, full of laughter, memories, and new adventures. Whatever my family and I created there over the summer, I’d tuck away and hold on to for the rest of the year in eager anticipation of going again. However, now it had me reflecting on what Bexley had shared about her own upbringing.
Something uncomfortable flared to life in my chest as I thought about her origins and, more importantly, how I’d never asked about them. I knew I could create a million excuses as to why I hadn’t initiated a conversation about her life, her parents, or her childhood, but it wouldn’t make a difference. She was right; I’d stayed surface level with Bex because I was a shallow kid back in college. I was living life one win at a time, fueled by those stadium lights and the possibility of going big being within my reach. As much as I loved Bexley back then, as much as it hurt to see her leave, she was right; she came in second on my list of priorities…possibly third if we threw in my parents.
A thick lump of agony lodged in my chest as I crested the hill, seeing the beach and where Bexley was laid out next to Cole while Bella played in the wet sand, just a few feet away from where they relaxed in the sun. I could hear soft music playing as Bexley tipped her head back and smiled, her hat shielding part of her face. I’d missed it, this life I could have had…I’d missed all of it because of my misplaced dream.
Why hadn’t I just pushed to take her with me? Why had I ever kept her at arm’s length, ensuring there was always room for my dream to thrive between us? I’d never even asked about her dreams. I’d known she was going to school for design, but I had never once asked why that mattered to her.
Descending toward them, I tried to gain control of my spiraling emotions. It wasn’t often I admitted I was wrong, but in this case I was. Unfortunately, this was the kind of wrong that had taken ten years from me, taken the one girl that mattered, the one girl I pictured a future with. Images of camping in this familiar spot, lounging on this specific beach…as a family, with her as my wife, our kids playing around us…and I’d just given it up. For a dream.
Bella’s laughter cascaded around the lake as she splashed in the water, and Cole reprimanded her, telling her to watch it.
My eyes zeroed in on Bexley. She was wearing an aqua bikini top, shoving the proof of what I’d just been pondering in my face. She was more complete now, her body adapting to motherhood, those luscious breasts fuller than I ever remembered them being. I unabashedly let my eyes wander down her flared hips and dipped navel, all the way down those legs that seemed to go on forever. I wanted to get a closer look to see if she bore any stretch marks, anything that was different now than what I remembered about her.
As I drew closer, it felt like a punch in the gut as I caught her mid-laugh, that smile bright and warm, her eyes alive and full of possibilities. I watched, hoping my lust-soaked gaze would sear into her skin, into every crevice she tried to hide away from me. I hoped she knew she had split me open and I’d never recovered…it hit me as painful as a bullet to the chest when I realized I didn’t want to.
“You guys ready to come see the tent?” I lowered to my haunches, unwilling to take my eyes off her.
“I’m hungry,” Cole said, turning his head toward me.
“Me too!” Bella came and jumped on my back. I lifted her, swinging around and growling. Her giggle echoed through the trees as a soft wind blew over us.
Bexley started to gather their things, but I stopped her. “We’re the only ones out here—just leave it.”
She glanced down at her lounger and then back up to me with a smile. “That’s handy.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as I gently grabbed her elbow. “Handy indeed.”
I carried Cole up the hill as Bexley walked with Bella. As soon as we got to our campsite, Bexley stopped cold.
I gently set Cole down in the space I’d made up for him: a lounger with several pillows and a blanket to help elevate his leg.
“Is everything okay?” I glanced around the site, worried I’d done something wrong.
Soft steps around the space with a pensive but curious look silenced me as Bexley caressed fabric and eyed the cozy space. “You did all this?”
I shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah…I figured you’d want to be comfortable out here. I mean, I know it’s only a few days…” My face burned. Why did it matter so much what she thought?
“Ryan, how did you…?” She spun in a circle, looking at the ground.
“It’s just an outdoor rug, no big deal.” I shrugged, moving so that my face would calm with the maneuver.
Tossing her hat onto one of the chairs around the fire pit, Bexley laughed. “Ryan, there are outdoor rugs covering the ground so we don’t get our feet dirty. You’ve covered the logs with fleece blankets, strung up hanging lights around our entire campsite, covered our heads with three different shade sails, and don’t even get me started on the kitchen area.” She gently kicked her sandals off as she walked toward the tent. “This entire thing looks like it belongs on Photogram with a billion likes. Should I even look inside the tent?” Her white-blonde hair shone under the sun assailing us through a gap in one of the shades. She was standing so close to me, and I wanted to kiss her.
A sly smile crept along her face as she took a step toward the tent, but my hand shot out on instinct to stop her as I said, “Wait.”
Her eyes lit like blue fire. “For what?”
