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I finished the dishes, letting out a big sigh. “I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” I started grabbing dinner ingredients from the fridge. “I really need this job. Logan is late on his payment again this month, and if he keeps doing this, I’m going to need something more permanent.”
“I can always look at the hospital for you,” Shay offered while walking toward the area where I’d just set out my ingredients.
She was always offering, but we both knew the only thing I qualified for was janitorial work, and I hated those jobs. Even with gloves on, I could not touch another person’s bodily fluids.
“Well, I’ll hold things down with the babies tonight. Don’t worry about a thing.” She put the hamburger meat back in the fridge then took off her tiny jean jacket.
“Did you add more sequins?” I laughed, thumbing a rose gold jewel.
“Give it back!” She dove forward to grab the jacket.
“Stop being passive aggressive about my dinner choices,” I argued back, hiding my laugh.
Shay loved altering her own clothing. It was something that brought her freedom and some sense of control. We laughed, but honestly it was sewing and creating that brought us both a sense of security when our worlds shook and rattled. I created with charcoal, harsh lines and dark strokes, while she bedazzled her jackets, sewed on patches, and designed the cutest cuts. I gave her a hard time because her clothing actually looked really good, so good I wanted her to try to get representation for them.
“You know we aren’t eating your meatloaf. You’re wasting your time.” She folded her arms while watching her jacket like it was made of gold.
I relented; she was right. The kids hated my meatloaf. I’d tried thirteen different recipes from Pinterest for the stupid loaf, but I couldn’t make it taste right.
“Thank you for watching the babies tonight. Starting in the fall, I’ll work morning shifts while they’re in school, so it won’t be so frequent that I need help.” She was my only family, and I was hers. If she had kids, I’d watch her spawn as often as she watched mine.
“Sweetie…just don’t forget that you also need a life you live just for you. I know you live, breathe, and would die for those kids, but you can’t keep going if you don’t also think about you.” My best friend softened her tone, giving me that look—the one that said she was sorry my life had turned out like this. It wasn’t the way we had planned on things going back when we were college roommates.
“I know, and I’ll try…I just need things to calm down a little bit.” I traded the onion I was going to dice for a few paper plates.
“Like forgetting you have a date?” she asked, quirking a brow.
Dammit.
“Look, I just…” I trailed off, not sure how to explain this without sounding as pathetic as I felt. “My love life right now…what’s the point?” I shrugged, feeling a tear threaten to fall.
“What do you mean?” Shay moved around the counter, dragging me away from the pizza plates I was readying. Whenever Shay came to watch the kids, she’d always put my dinner back in the fridge and order pizza. At this point, I had no idea why I fought her on it.
“Logan cheated on me…I have two kids, I don’t have the money to get my hair done, or a manicure or do anything else in my…you know, downstairs area”—I motioned down my body with my hand—“I mean, why on earth would I put myself out there when I’d probably fall asleep in my plate of food?” I explained, hating the honesty bubbling in my chest.
I was on the verge of a total meltdown. This wasn’t how I’d pictured my life when I turned thirty; it wasn’t how I’d pictured my kids growing up or spending time with my best friend. The only time I had free to see her was when she came over to babysit.
Shay pulled me into a tight hug. “Honey, the best kind of love story happens when we don’t feel lovable, when we feel ugly and bruised, like the reject of the pile. That’s when that shit sneaks up and bites the hell out of you.”
I laughed at her analogy, because I wanted to feel the pressure ease out of my chest. She was right, but still, there wasn’t this hope or even desire to date…and I was starting a new job. The timing just wasn’t right.
It was never right.
I pulled back and wiped at my face. “I’ve had enough of being snuck up on or surprised by love.” I turned back toward the dinner I was preparing then heard Shay make some kind of sound behind me.
Turning, I looked at her with my brow raised in question. She sat back against the counter, tossing her hand out.
“You’ve only been with two men in the last ten years…that’s not a lot of experience,” she chided while grabbing for a can of soda water.
“They were the two most painful experiences of my life, so yeah…I’d say it was,” I argued back. My chest felt like someone had shoved a fist inside it.
“Bex, you settled for Logan. You never even married the guy because he wasn’t—”
“Stop. Don’t.” I warned her by narrowing my eyes.
I couldn’t go there right now, not today. I wasn’t even sure why, but I hated when she talked about why I hadn’t married Logan. I hated how much honesty was buried in that shallow grave, how hypocritical it had made me.
“Sweetie, you know I love you. I’m not trying to hurt you, it’s just that…you don’t allow yourself anything real. It’s like you were waiting for him to come looking for you or something, like he’d come find you and rescue you from being with Logan. You know I’m right…Logan knows I’m right. It’s why you weren’t angry that he cheated or upset when he finally moved out.”
