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In the past, Ryan hadn’t asked when it came to having me sexually, but the tenderness in his tone completely undid me. My core heated as a throbbing started near my clit; I hadn’t felt this kind of desire since he’d last had me in his bed.
“Yes, always yes,” I answered breathlessly.
That was all the warning I had before he was ripping my underwear down my legs, staring down at my bare entrance with reverence. His head lowered, hungry eyes staying on me, daring me to look away. He knew I never could. When Ryan owned me like this, he owned all of me. I didn’t hold back access to anything; I handed over my trust entirely, and knowing he knew how to use that trust and how to make me feel things I’d never felt before always removed all my inhibitions.
“Ryan…” My voice was husky and raw. I bucked my hips as his tongue worked in and out of my folds, feeling too much and realizing I wasn’t going to last long.
“I missed this.” He breathed against my entrance while palming my thighs, spreading them further apart. He trailed a finger across my slit and drew long strokes of pleasure from me. Pushing inside, he returned his mouth to sucking my clit.
“Oh my god,” I rasped, trying to keep my voice down. I tugged on the ends of Ryan’s hair, keeping him attached to that spot of perfection. Moving against his mouth in sensual movements, I moaned when he removed his fingers and grabbed my hips, pulling me closer.
He lost control with his movements and his mouth while I writhed against his face, moaning and whispering filthy things to him. I was on the brink of falling apart just as he pulled away from me.
I stared as he stood, gazing down at me with that subdued hunger. His lips glistened in the low lighting of my room, and it made me curious what he saw. My breasts bare, bigger than they once were. Faded stretch marks along my stomach, which was also not as flat as it once was. Other parts of my body not as perfect as they’d been ten years before.
Insecurity crept in. I usually had a healthy outlook on my appearance, but I still caught myself thinking of all the perfect models and actresses he’d been with over the last decade.
Ryan’s eyes only hardened as I could feel a flush creep up my neck. My hands went from massaging my hardened nipples to covering them.
“Don’t,” he whispered.
He discarded his shirt and jeans in the blink of an eye, and my mouth went dry as this perfect man stood in front of me. Tattoos he hadn’t had before told story after story along the expanse of his chest, his ribs, and his arms. On instinct, I reached out to trace them. He guided my hand to the tattoo over his heart.
Sitting up and crawling closer, I inspected the dark ink I’d dismissed each time I saw him bare-chested. A gasp shuddered past my lips as I saw what was stamped there.
“You tattooed my name over your heart?” Wrapped in thick thorns and vines, each letter was nearly swallowed in the pain represented there in the image of a deadly plant. It wasn’t as vibrant as some of the others, more muted, which made me curious as to when he’d gotten it done.
“The year after you left,” he said, as if he could hear my unspoken question. Holding my hand to his chest, he closed his eyes. “When you said you came back after that first year…and you saw me…”
“Ryan, you don’t have to explain.” I shook my head, trying to show that I understood.
“You need to know.” He tightened his hand over mine. “The guys were so exhausted from me pining after you, so they gave me an ultimatum. They were going to band together to ask Coach to bench me until I had a psych eval, unless I proved to them that I could move on.”
“Their test was you kissing another girl?” I asked, already knowing that was what had happened.
He nodded, carefully opening his eyes to watch me.
That was a terrible display of friendship, but from what I remembered of the players, football was set above all else, especially when their captain carried the team. So, if he wasn’t mentally stable, I could imagine how the rest were doing. I could slightly understand their desperation.
“I never moved on, Bex. It was like you just kept going with me, everything new I did…every place I moved. It’s like I’ve been numb, waiting for you to come back into my life.”
A stinging sensation burned at the back of my throat as my heart hummed in agreement. Old patterns of protecting my heart had me wanting to keep quiet about my pining, about the shore I’d been deserted on, waiting for him to come back and rescue me.
Heaving a pained sigh, I licked my lips and ducked my head.
“Shay is worried about this…us.” I waved my free hand between us. “She’s worried because…” I hesitated, feeling as though I was about to jump off a cliff by confessing this. “Because I’m still in love with you…she knows I haven’t stopped, and she’s worried you’ll hurt me.” I swallowed the swelling that had formed in my throat as silence pulsed in the room with both our confessions.
A soft kiss landed on my hairline as Ryan’s hands came to my face, supporting my jaw.
“Let me fix us, Bex,” he whispered, feather light against my temple.
Tipping my head back, he slammed his lips against mine, moving in a slow but heavy rhythm, one that spoke of hushed prayers, silent tears cried in the dark, and tortured secrets. We’d clung to a love we both should have likely let go of, and now it was like this painful tether neither of us could undo or understand.
Leaning forward, I pushed down the waistband of his boxers and leaned back, inviting him to follow me.
Gentleness and reverence followed every place his fingers touched, and when he wrapped his hard length in a condom and sank into my heat, I could feel fresh tears begin.
“Fix us, Ryan. Make us whole,” I said against his ear as he let out a groan.
He pulled out, lifting himself over me, his gaze taking in where we connected the entire time. It was a haunted look, like he’d just recovered something precious that had been lost. When he thrust forward, crashing into me with lust and desperation, I clung to his back while a moan sailed past my lips.
“More,” I urged. He moved faster, in and out, connecting us only to break us apart.
We moved against each other until we were both groaning our release into each other’s shoulders.
Sweaty and sated, our chests heaved while we watched one another. His lazy smile warmed me like the summer sun over the lake we’d camped by the weekend before. I decided to curl into the sensation and let it take hold of me. Once he cleaned up in my bathroom and turned out the light, he climbed in behind me and pulled me against his chest.
Right before I fell asleep, I heard him whisper, “I love you, Bex. I never stopped.”
