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His eyes narrowed as he considered me. I was sure I didn’t look great, but I had a feeling it wasn’t my appearance he was trying to decipher.
“I didn’t have a chance to tell you. Jerry sprung this on me literally seconds before Shelly knocked on my door. He was trying to get me to agree to it all summer, but I kept refusing. My silence and not returning when I said I would tied his hands.” Ryan’s voice teetered with defensiveness.
I understood what he was saying, but it didn’t change things. He was still protecting himself and his career first, which wasn’t a bad thing. I couldn’t just expect him to choose us on the fly like that. He wasn’t used to choosing anyone other than himself.
“I said I understand.”
Ryan stood, pushing a path through his wild hair, tugging on the ends. His strong muscles shifted under the thin material of his shirt while he let out an aggravated sound.
“That’s worse than you being angry with me. It means you’ve made up some reason or explanation for this, something that will inevitably put distance between us.”
I drew my brows in. “I guess I’m confused. Would you be dating me in secret while you dated her in public, or how was that going to work?”
“It wasn’t! I was never going to date her!” he yelled, pointing at his chest. “I was going to do the publicity shot and be done with her. It’s not set to release until I’m in Brazil and we start filming. You and I would still be dating—nothing would change between us!”
“Except that you would be in Brazil, filming a movie with the same woman you’re pretending to date, one you did previously date.”
“We never dated.” Ryan gave me a sidelong look while pacing my bedroom.
I let out an undignified scoff. “I’m sorry—I’ll use the technical term. You will be filming with a woman you’ve previously fucked.”
“Dammit, Bex,” he roared, throwing a pillow across the room.
“Ryan, look.” I moved until I was sitting cross-legged, my head still slightly spinning, but not nearly as badly. “I love you. I’ve always loved you, but you’re an actor, a big-time one…this is your life. I understand that it’s your life. As your girlfriend, of course it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it, let alone my emotions. You have contracts and co-stars, you’re comfortable with acting, and kissing and whatever else. It’s just business to you…that’s something I’m not used to. I don’t think…” I trailed off as my voice cracked. I felt like someone had shoved a pair of brass knuckles into my sternum as I tried to regulate my breathing.
“Don’t,” Ryan whispered in warning.
I stared at him as he slowly knelt in front of me. I refused to be the one who ended us this time. I didn’t want to run; I just didn’t know how to stay.
“Then tell me what to do,” I whispered back as a stray tear fell down my face.
His thick thumb was there to catch it.
“Just hang in there with me. I’m figuring it out. I can break a few of the contracts I’m under, but not all of them. Just stay with me, let me figure it out. Come to Brazil with me if you want to. I know the kids have school, I just…I don’t want to be away from you, but if I have to be then I want you to be confident in knowing I’ll be faithful to you.”
My mind took a devious detour and considered what faithful even meant to someone who kissed and pretend-fucked for a living. It was his job, after all, and I’d done my research—the Brazil film was supposed to be this steamy, sexy movie about an assassin who fell for his target, a woman he ended up protecting and falling in love with. There was supposed to be a lot of what would look like sex to the audience, tons of kissing and heat.
I wanted to say yes, and maybe I could for now…but my heart was already looking for a way out.
“I need to think…” I tightly closed my eyes, a few stray tears slipping through.
“Last time we took space, things ended badly,” Ryan whispered, pressing a fevered kiss to my hand.
That was true, but this time was different. I hadn’t made up my mind to leave; I just needed to come to terms with what he was saying, with this part of his life that was essentially a part of him.
“I’m not running, I just can’t vow to be okay with this without taking a day to really process and mean those words.”
Green-blue eyes searched mine, digging for more truths than I provided, but exhaustion took over. I sank into his arms and closed my eyes.
I felt a firm press of his lips to my forehead as he whispered something into my hair. I let sleep take me under as pain spun in my head like a tiny dancer. All I could think of was how I’d run from him ten years before, afraid his career would crush me, and how it had turned out that I was right.
