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“Well, that’s dandy, but she broke a bit when you called her pathetic—all of her. Past her, current her…you stomped all over all the pieces she hid from the world, all the things she hated about herself. You lit it all on fire, and now you think there’s still something left?” She huffed, shaking her head while walking to her front door. “I wish I had your confidence.”
I wasn’t confident. I was desperate.
“I know that I messed up. I know I don’t deserve another chance, and now I realize why she broke it off the first time with me, but it isn’t over. I don’t care how long it takes her to realize that, but it’s not. If she chooses to leave again this time, I’ll chase her.”
Nora watched me with an expression like someone who was watching a rabid animal, but I didn’t care. I walked back to my truck and decided it was time to get home and start believing I had a chance to win her back.
37
RAE
Huggingmy pillow to my chest, I let another tear slip down my cheek. Now that Nora was gone, I was free to cry and break without shame. Not that I was embarrassed to cry in front of her, but I could tell that she wanted to cheer me up and felt defeated every time I slipped back into misery. That was one of the reasons I chose to continue my “vacation.” The other was I just simply wasn’t ready to see Davis around town again.
Colorado seemed like a good spot. I could see the Rockies, and learn how to hike. It was something I had wanted to do ever since that serene moment on Mount Macon, when I veered off on the side of the road.
While the mountains around me did seem to hold some magical healing properties, nothing I saw compared tomymountain.
Two days into my trip, the realization made me cry. I had assumed all mountains would make me feel whole, the way Mount Macon had. I hated how wrong I was, and how desperate I was to go home. Maybe it was time. I had originally planned on a week, but every single day just proved to be more and more painful of an experience than the first time I had left home. Time was supposed to make this pain recede, make it more manageable. That was how it worked the first time…but now, I had memories to war with.
There were pictures on my phone of Davis smiling, while kissing my stomach, a few of him laughing, while holding me. I had images of him shirtless, while watching me from over the brim of his coffee mug. Pictures of Dove and Duke, of the hens, and the goats. I had an entire life on my phone, and I couldn’t seem to just put all of that in a box and watch it leave my life. I wanted to cling to all of it with bloodied fingers.
But that was the old me. The one who thought she could force someone to love her.
Not anymore.
I had to grow up and start accepting that not everything would be that simple. Davis didn’t want me, and I had to let him go.
* * *
Three dayslater I received a text from Nora.
Nora: You coming back soon?
I had left the text all morning while hiking around a small summit with a group of tourists who wanted to safely explore the area. Once I was back in my tent, I tugged it free and bit my nail.
Me: Yeah, not sure when…everything okay?
Part of me being here only worked because I wasn’t staying in hotels. I was camping, and I knew it wasn’t safe to do it alone, but I had joined this group that had elderly women and a few tourists visiting from Korea and Japan. Everyone was so friendly and helpful that it quickly became like a little family.
Nora: Everything is fine…um…just, well, there’s a bit of a situation, but it’s fine.
Furrowing my brows, I typed back.
Me: What do you mean? Are my parents okay? Are yours? What’s going on?
Nora: Everything is fine, both our parents are fine. I’ll tell you when you get back, it’s okay. And I know you don’t have a lot of battery life.
She wasn’t wrong, our little group had a battery pack that we took turns sitting and charging at the truck stops that had showers and charging ports. Then we’d all share the pack when we needed a little juice for our phones.
Me: Are you sure?
Nora: Yeah, you blocked what’s his face, right? He hasn’t been calling or texting?
What’s his face being Davis.
Me: Yeah, I blocked him. I haven’t heard anything, are you sure everything is okay?
Nora: Yes, go hike, heal, and then come back when you’re ready.
