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I let Benread. He can’t actually read, but he knows the story word for word, and while he does that, I sniff my daughter’s hair and pretend that my world isn’t falling apart. I need to start thinking about our future; mine and my children’s. The Kincaids have been wonderful to us, a million times kinder than I had any reason to expect.
I hit Iz, for God’s sake. Ihither, I called her a whore, and in retaliation, she offered us a home and a safe haven.
I’ve never in my life been that selfless.
They said we could stay here indefinitely, but that’s not who I am. That’s not how I live my life. So I’ll accept the hand up for right now, but I need to make plans. We can’t live here forever, and if we have to move at some point, I’d rather do it sooner rather than later so we can get settled into our new lives.
My children deserve more than temporary.
I haven’t heard from my husband since we left. Not once. And his silence honestly scares me to my core. I expected an explosion of outrage, but, according to the deputy who delivered the papers, Ben was nothing but a‘calm and reasonable man who was heartbroken by my decision to leave and take his children.’
In that cop’s eyes, I was the bad guy. The heartbreaker. The child stealer that broke up a happy home. I would get no favors from that policeman, but I know in my gut, a calm and rational Ben is not the real Ben. Without a doubt in my mind, I know we’re sitting in the eye of the storm.
He won’t let us go this easily, and if it weren’t for the Kincaids, the five large men and a huge security fence, Ben would’ve already come for us.
I know he’s coming, and I know I need to make decisions.
Fast.
Benny finishes the story with a flourishing “the end,” so I take the battered book and place it on the bedside table. “You have to go to sleep now, okay? And I need you to sleep all night.”Please, please, please!He’s almost five, but he sleeps worse than your average six-month-old.
I kiss his nose a second time, climb to my feet, and take the baby back to her crib. I drop a kiss on the top of her head and sigh as she giggles playfully. She’s not even a little bit tired.
“Goodnight, babies.” I narrow my eyes at Ben. “Only get out of bed if youhaveto pee, okay?”
“Okay, I promise, Mommy.”
Such a fibber.“I love you guys. Sweet dreams.”
“Love you, Mommy.”
I close the bedroom door most of the way, but leave it open an inch so the light illuminates their carpet. Picking up wet towels and dirty socks from the hall, I make my way through the carnage of clothes and toys, and pack things away as I go.
I pick the bathroom mat up and hang it to dry, since Ben soaked it with his splashing, then I turn the bathroom light off and head toward the kitchen. I need something to drink, maybe some dessert, something disgustingly bad for me that I’ll regret when my stomach hangs over my jeans, then I want to watch mindless TV and shut down.
I’m over this day. I’m over this week.
I need to catch a damn break.
In the kitchen, I crack an egg into a mug and begin making a lava mug cake. One egg, a little cocoa powder, a little flour, vanilla, microwave;voila– dessert for one.
I toss the mug into the microwave and hit the buttons to get it spinning, then I walk to the fridge and grab a beer, pop the cap off, and stand at the counter and stare as the mug spins, spins, spins.
It’s meditative. Mind numbing, when I should be thinking.
I need to plan. I need to plan to make a plan.
First, I need to get a job.
I haven’t worked since I was pregnant with Benny. Ben didn’t want me to stress or worry, so when I went on leave to give birth, he insisted I just stay home and care for the baby.
So that’s what I did, because I was so damn tired with a newborn baby. Ben said he’d support us, that it was his job to do so. It sounded like a good idea, so I accepted.
Apart from marrying and having his baby in the first place, leaving my job was mistake number one, because now I have no money, no job prospects, and an almost five-year gap in my resume.
Mistake number two was allowing him to move us so far from my family. I used to live clear on the other side of the country, but I met the charming man, excitedly moved when he moved, and voila, five thousand miles from home, I found myself living it up with the world’s nicest man.
I need to fix that resume gap and get a job. I need to support my children. And I need to get them away from here.
When the timer dings on the microwave, I take it out with practiced moves, wrap the mug in a hand towel, pick up my beer, and collect a spoon from the silverware drawer. Taking my spoils, I promise myself, for the time it takes to enjoy this cake and beer, I won’t tell myself I’m a failure.
I promise to practice self-love for the two minutes it takes to slam the chocolatey goodness down.
And when I’m done, I promise not to pinch my stomach to check the fat I’d just placed there.
“Hey, baby.” Ben smiles ferally. “I missed you.”
