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“Have I done something wrong?”
“No.”
“Can you fuckin’ look at me when you lie?”
“What, Jim? What do you want from me?” Her fiery eyes snap up and spill over. Her tears cut me deep, they take me back to a week ago when she begged me to leave her the fuck alone and never come back.
“I want you to love me, Iz. I want you not to regret taking a chance on us.”
“I don’t regret us.”
“Then what?” I lash out. I shouldn’t shout, but my words snap like a whip anyway. “What’s the matter? Why won’t you look me in the eye? Why do I feel like I’m annoying you just by being here?”
“It’s not about you!” She fists her hands angrily. “Not everything’s about you. Fuck, Jim! Maybe I’m quiet because I feel sick.”
“If you feel sick, then we need to go back inside!”
“No.” She stops me before I whip her seatbelt off. “Not ill, Jim, not like that. It’s a different sick, an anxious sick, and I don’t even know why. I can’t shake the heaviness… It’s like there’s a weight on my chest, and I can hardly breathe.” She drags air into her rapidly expanding chest. “This isn’t me, but I don’t know how to make it go away.” I lean across and press her head to my chest. “This isn’t me,” she sobs against my shirt. “But I don’t know how to shake it.”
I stroke her hair and work to control my own breathing. I’m so far out of my depth right now, I have no fucking clue what to do. But if I breathe right, then maybe she will, too. “Time it with mine, Bubs. Breathe slower.” I drag her hand to my chest and press it over my heart. “Feel it. Match me, beat for beat, baby.”
I Googled the shit out of everything I could think of in the last few months, but this, I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know how to fix it.
I briefly consider calling the guys, or more specifically, the girls, for help, but I don’t think she wants company. I think she wants a quiet corner to hide in for a little while. To find her ground again. To find her normal.
As soon as her breathing evens out and her heavy body turns taut, I help her sit up, make sure her seatbelt is secure, and I slowly drive out and take us home.
It’s a quick drive back to her place, and when I pull into the driveway, I’m reminded that I don’t actually live here. I’m never living separate from these girls again. I can move in here. She can move into mine. We can move to fuck-it-Nantucket for all I care, but we’ll be doing it together.
I tear my keys from the ignition and run around to her side. Opening the door and taking her shaking hands, I help her slide out. As soon as she’s steady, I lean into the back and get to work on Bean’s seat.
Such a sweet baby, so beautiful and content – and still asleep.
I ignore the bags on the floor. Instead, I just pull the bright car seat out, close and lock my door, then I put my spare arm around Iz and pull her close. Retracing the steps we took a few nights ago – a trip that included tears and contractions and a shit ton of worry – I reflect on how the walk back is somewhat similar.
She’s still crying, we’re still worrying. But now the baby is on the outside, and Iz is in more pain than I’ve ever experienced in my life.
We stop in front of the door in silence. “Are you ready, Bubs? We’re home.” I take her chin in my hand and pull it up till her watery eyes meet mine. “I promise this will be okay. I promise to never let you fall.”
Watching me as a million emotions cross across her face, my heart flutters anew when she settles on a shaky smile. Beaming and confident would be better, but shaky will do. “I’m ready. We can do this.”
“Yes, we can.” I place a soft kiss on her lips and smile when she sighs. She’s done that before, and it sends tingles to my toes each time. As the dread in my stomach finally dissipates and Iz smiles her first genuine smile of the day, I turn and unlock her front door.
“Surprise!”
The girls jump out and wave their arms in the air like idiots.
And Iz bursts into fresh tears. She sobs into her hands at the same time my chin hits my chest in defeat.
“Izzy, honey!” Kit steps forward in an instant. “You’re supposed to smile. What’s the matter?”
“Come on,” Tina steers the group toward the hall. “Let’s lay down for a bit.”
I love these women, I really do, but I just got Iz to stop crying.
Tina turns back to a smiling Evie as she sits beside Jack. “Do you wanna come with us, baby?”
With a hair fluttering head shake, Evie leans into Jack and shows her mom the Play Station controller in her hand.
